Monday, January 21, 2008
my feet are extremely dry. note taken: must buy Ellgy's foot cream.
the last time my eyes hurt this much was during the contact lenses removal - i was tearing badly. i wasn't trying to remove my contacts today, obviously, but tearing all the same. it got pretty uncontrollable during lunch and after school in the mrt. my eyes were so sore during chem, i was surprised that i can still manage to smile along with jes lee, vaish and laura and do the chem calculations at the same time.
i was just sitting down finishing up my amath when i suddenly thought back to a msn convo i had with _ and the wicked witch of the west a few months back. 27 november, to be exact. i wish i had lambasted her right there and then. but considering that _ was there (and it was _'s account), i held back. but after that, i just regret not lashing out at her. she's not the only one who can play with words. so yeah.. i pretty much remembered some parts of the convo (i.e. the parts where i got so pissed).
sometimes _ seems to be like his old self. the way he acts, the way he talks. the same as approximately 1 year back. and then at the same time, i wonder if he's still like how he was a few months back. i wish he hadn't changed. or even if he had, i wish he'll be back to the guy that i fell for. what i wouldn't give to have him back.
why do i get this insistent feeling in the mrt that you'll come to me? that if i wait a little while longer, just a little while longer, you'd come to me?_ isn't exactly contributing to the confusion that i'm currently facing about life. other stuffs, other issues... i don't know how to start explaining, cos i'll end up more confused in the end. i don't know what i'm doing with my life, who to trust, how to ignore everything and get on with stuffs, why i can't stop loving the one guy that i'll never end up with, half of the stuffs in this life i've come to realise are just plain bullsh*t, i'm lost, i'm confused, i'm fine but not okay. i don't know. i just don't know.
sometimes i feel that if _ is just there - no need for words or what - but is just there, things wouldn't seem so bad. other times i don't even care. i don't want to approach _, mainly because i myself don't know what the heck is wrong with me, and he's not my problem-solver: he's the guy that i'm in love with.
11:06 pm
