Thursday, November 15, 2007
"I can be surrounded by people and be completely alone. It's not like any of them really know me. I don't even know if they really
like me half the time."
~ Cordelia from Buffy The Vampire Slayer series
thanks to Cordy for coming up with that quote. and thanks to Micol Ostow and Steven Brezenoff for putting it in The Quotable Slayer book. really helps me relate and say what i've been meaning to say. thanks.
so, by cramming complex issues in a nutshell, i'm not gonna hit out at the people around me cos hey, that will just be so mean. but to be honest, i am just so sick of the whole deal. sick of being the extra lamp-post within a group. sick of trying to fit in. sick of being pissed at the people. sick of trying to please people at my expense. sick of trying to spare a thought for people's feelings when they obviously don't spare mine.
cos i realised that all this while, more or less 3/4 of the people in my life have been taking me for granted. or relate me to a wallpaper. whatever. i've had enough. so READ: some people automatically assume i respect them as a person; but hey, so sorry to break your bubble mFer, but you want my respect, you gotta learn to earn it. some people automatically assume i'm their mediator. but right now i'm telling you, grow up and face your own life.
so when this realisation hits you, you realize that actually you don't stand anywhere on people's ground. sometimes you give in too much to others' demands and you try to spare a thought for their feelings, you let them walk all over you, you let them take you for granted. let me say it now: i've had enough of all this fcuking BS. just cos sometimes i appear less girly than others in the way i talk and act, doesn't really mean i'm not sensitive deep down. just cos i don't mind watching people's head getting severed, doesn't mean i'm heartless and don't cry. and just cos i relent and shut up most of the time, doesn't mean i'm entirely pleased or accepting with what people do. cos guess what? i'm human.
and you know what, there's a malay saying
"whoever eats the chilli will feel the spiciness"so who among you ate the chilli?
(kepada The Glers: rileks, ni bukan ditujukan kepada korang. kita bertiga tetap selama-lamanya, okae? tak payah risau pasal hal ni. lebih bagus korang mula fikirkan tentang sesi berjalan-jalan kitaorang tu.)
i need you so bad. but i don't even know how. and i don't even think i have the heart to trouble you.but at this point in time when my life is completely effed up, i just want you by my side.
11:45 pm
