Sunday, August 31, 2008

went for group study with umai at Civics Centre lib today(:
i feel so proud of myself, to be up by 9 on a saturday for 4 hours worth of amath and chem.
anyway, we started at around 10 and of course, being us, we couldn't resist some light good-natured crap and random discussions about school and life.

then around 12 we took turns to SMS rid. hehe. that was hilarious, cos rid had to text between me and her. according to him, he was studying at republic poly's canteen. but we just asked him if he wanted to join us at the lib. he was enthu about the idea and told us to give him 30 min. he also said that wan will be coming along.

so we waited. 40 minutes later wan showed up. we asked him where rid was and he said don't know. [okay, we half-heard it. so we sort of assumed rid was somewhere lost outside.] then another 10 min passed. no sign of rid. we asked wan again, and guess what? rid was at home, which is technically only 10 min from the lib. he wasn't at RP. chet!

and then we waited - again. then umai caught sight of him crossing the traffic light. when he neared the glass panel, umai quickly wrote big big on a piece of paper "1/2 hour??" haha. so much for 30 min. [and then we told wan our misadventures with time based on our past outings. and yayy, wan laughed at rid.]

so then the 4 of us sat down and studied chem for another 30 min. rid and i argued about whether sodium oxide is a solid at rtp for a while before we opened his textbook and found the answer. hehe. and wan was totally relax one corner, happily doing his chem-physics. then at around 2, umai and i went off for lunch cos i was super hungry and my brain was gonna burst already. so we exchanged goodbyes and reminders to fast for the upcoming fasting month (it will start on monday!)

but it was super fun studying with them. cool right, three different schools come together to study, argue and crap. hehe. yayy. i miss them alot alot.

so we shall go for a massive outing after Os, okay dudes (and beb)?? we drag along all the rest and go attack some eating place for our own grad party. umai and i have found a perfect spot. kan umai kan? hehe.

i think i should go for these weekly study sessions at the lib every sat. it helps, actually. i never thought i could cover 2 subs in 4 hours. and besides, the lib is kinda nice to lounge in.

so yes. Woodlands Civic Centre Library, you are officially my fave place today (:

12:27 am

Saturday, August 30, 2008

to all teachers, Happy Teachers' Day(:

went home, abandoned my plan to visit my pri sch and opted for a movie marathon instead. but i fell asleep halfway so that's not exactly counted.

anyway, i came across this meaningful song just now. i only had one song by Tamia (Officially Missing You), then i thought i should look for me. and i found this song:

Almost by Tamia

Can you tell me,
How can one miss what she's never had
How could I reminisce when there is not past
How could I have memories of being happy with you boy

Can someone tell me how can this be
How could my mind pull up incidents
Recall dates and times that never happened
How could we celebrate love that's too late and
How could I really mean the words I'm about to say

[Chorus]:
I miss the times that we almost shared
I miss the love that was almost there
I miss the times that we used to kiss
At least in my dreams just let me take my time and reminisce
I miss the times that we never had
What happen to us, we were almost there
Who ever said it's impossible to miss
What you never had, never almost had you

I cannot believe I let you go
Or what I should say is, I should have grabbed you up and never let you go
I should have went out with you
I should have made you my boo, boy
Yeah, that is one time I should have broke the rules

Should have went on the date,
should have found a way to escape
Should have turned almost into if it happen, now it's too late
How could I celebrate a love that wasn't real
And if it didn't happen, why does my heart feel

Chorus

(some times I want to hug you, sometimes I want to love you)
You seem to be the perfect one for me
(some times I want to touch you, but tonight I want to love you)
You, you're all I ever wanted
You're my everything, Yes it's true
Boy it's hard to be close to you
My love, boy it may sound crazy
But I'm in love with you

Chorus 3X
______________________________________________

today during the concert they played all the songs that i used to silently dedicate to you.
and i re-dedicate them again to you.

12:53 am

Friday, August 22, 2008

Falling Down - Oasis

The summer sun
It blows my mind
It's falling down on all that I've ever known
Time to kiss the world goodbye
Falling down on all that I've ever known
Is all that I've ever known

A dying scream
It makes no sound
Calling out to all that I've ever known
Here am I, lost and found
Calling out to all

We live a dying dream
If you know what I mean
All that I've ever known
It's all that I've ever known

Catch the wind that breaks the butterfly
I cried the rain that fills the ocean wide
I tried to talk with God to no avail
Calling my name from out of nowhere
I said "If you won't save me, please don't waste my time"

Catch the wind that breaks the butterfly
I cried the rain that fills the ocean wide
I tried to talk with God to no avail
Calling my name from out of nowhere
I said "If you won't save me, please don't waste my time"

The summer sun
It blows my mind
It's falling down on all that I've ever known
Time to kiss the world goodbye
Falling down on all that I've ever known
Is all that I've ever known
_________________________________________
thank you Oasis for coming up with a song that i can really relate to now.
when i've no one to relate to.

i'm falling apart away from others' view. and with every waking day, i realise how much i need you back in my life to help me pull this moment.
at the very least you could put back the meaning back in my life.
at the very least you could lessen the tears and give me just that enough strength to carry on.
at the very least i know i'm not alone.

i'm very tired. just hear me out. somebody. please.

11:32 pm

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

came to school with a recurring tension headache. i don't like it. it hurts. and i can't have things both ways: it's either i stay up late, or i'm stressed/thinking too much. if i do both, i'll be getting those headaches again. and i don't know. it feels like i have to keep on depending on my painkillers to ease it off.

but towards the end of the day, i felt better. so i started the whole post-it convo thingy with the Back Five. and yeah. it got olga to turn around to ask why we were so high. we can't help it, i guess. we're always like that when we're stuck in mundane stuffs.

aborted my plan for starbucks and headed home. only to be locked out of my own house thanks to me not having my house keys. sat outside for an hour plus until my parents came back. luckily i had OCK currypuffs with me. and my geog textbook. i've never been so focused on human geog before. and oh, then the ice cream uncle started ringing the bell downstairs so i bought an ice cream, sat outside my door and ate it.

more eating ensued after my parents came back. so much for my reduced-carbo diet.
then wrote a song. more of lyrics. i have the tune in my head, but i don't know how to play it on the guitar so i couldnt jot down the chords. but when i wrote it, the main instrument playing in my head was more of the piano rather than the guitar.

not mind-blowing, but i had to get my thoughts and feelings out. and since there's no melody, well, you can create your own. but please, this lyrics is mine. if you want to use it, please tell me and not just steal it. it's evil, it's wrong and it hurts.

Gone

If you are gone
How will my life be like?
Will the stars still shine for me
Or like the sun
it'll fade into the night?

# I look out the window
Searching for an answer
But all that is staring back at me
Is the dark and emptiness

* So I know that if you're gone
That's what my heart will be like
Cold and empty, inside out
Thirsting for a drop of love
Guess that's what I'm gonna feel
When you're gone

#*

I never understood why
You enter and leave my life
Can you hear the plea for you to stay
I love you, don't go away

*
When you're gone

After you're gone
How will my life be like?
Will the stars still shine for me
Or like the sun
It'll fade into the night?

8:25 pm

Monday, August 11, 2008

changed the jukebox again. i don't know, i just felt connected to that song : I Stay In Love by Mariah Carey, ever since i heard the piano instrumental on youtube. it just sounded pretty.

i'm not really in the mood to sic things out or whatever. so yes, this blog will be entry-less for a few days.

still, whatever. enjoy the song.

7:47 pm

Sunday, August 10, 2008

i've been... well, let's just say i've been sitting down to think hard about stuffs. and... i just don't know how everything will end up. i'm trying to get my life back on track and focus on what needs to be focused on. but it's hard. it's way too hard.

i've weighed all the consequences on both sides. but it still leaves me with a nought for an answer, because what exactly am i more willing to risk?

i'm terrified of whatever that is to come. maybe it's my fault for letting myself end up in this position. but now that i'm faced with the harsh reality, i'm just scared.

i can ask around, but the ultimate decision rests on me. i'm trying very hard to keep an open mind about this whole thing. still i find myself blinded by the situation to even think about acting rationally. i simply don't know what i'm more willing to forsake.

me, or us.

i don't want to hurt you. but at the same time i don't want to regret.

days are flying past. i don't have much time.

2:46 am

Saturday, August 09, 2008

this is gonna be a special post for a special day(:

HAPPY 43RD BIRTHDAY SINGAPORE!

and again, it takes me quite some time to realise we're 43 and no longer 37. i don't know. everytime it's National Day, i keep on thinking Spore is still 37. but no we're not. we're now in our early forties (:

anyway, i was reading The Saturday Times and i almost laughed reading one of the columns about why the Western detractors love to hate Singapore. authoritarian country? are you kidding me? just because we speak English doesn't mean we have to conform to the Western lifestyle. sure, our liberty looks controlled, but just like parents raising kids, too much might not be a good thing. i mean, we're happy with our way of life which is a complete rojak (mixture). it's so cool. anywhoodles, adapted from the author's words, they don't really know how to face this creature named after a lion cos we're neither here nor there. which makes us unique. now i realise how apt the STB tagline (Uniquely Singapore) is. it's not just our food - heck, our political system too. and the ban on chewing gum which none of us really care about anyway, cos chewing gum is so passe. people are into donuts now.

back to the topic. why do i love Singapore? because it's Singapore. no, really. i mean, we're unique right? so that's why i love it. the food (this is super important to us Singaporeans who are perhaps the only country with eating as a national past-time), the public transport system (the mrt and buses are really interesting places to be in, i swear), all those cool places stashed away in some corner (like that paintball spot at sembawang), Singlish, the NDP, HDB flats, the racial cohesion+tolerance+acceptance+harmony, and complaining about everything in Singapore but grown to like it eventually. and oh, coffeeshop and wet markets. these things make Singaporeans Singaporeans. cool eh?

in short, we have a little bit of this, of that. we learn to swear in 4 plus different languages. we listen to songs although we understand nothing without the translations. our political system is weird, but likeable and effective. even our gangsters vary accordingly but still have the Singaporean attitude branded on them.

people are complaining about us not having a Singapore identity. actually, we do. it's just that it's a complex mix, we can't find a word to describe it perfectly in English.

but hey, how about rojak?

9:36 pm

Thursday, August 07, 2008

Though I'd be safe living behind this wall
But the pressure's too much
And it's starting to fall

Well I guess I'm trying to be nonchalant about it
And I'm going the extremes to prove I'm fine without you
But in reality I'm slowly losing my my mind
Underneath the disguise of a smile gradually I'm dying inside
Friends ask me how I feel and I lie convincingly
Cause I don't want to reveal that fact that I'm suffering
So I wear my disguise 'til I go home at night
And turn down all the lights and then break down and cry

Out of my mind
Nothing makes sense anymore

Sometimes I just wanna run away
Sometimes I, I wanna run

We're going in circles
A constant battle
As the clouds cast a shadow on us

Well I guess I'm trying to be nonchalant about it
And I'm going the extremes to prove I'm fine without you
But in reality I'm slowly losing my my mind
Underneath the disguise of a smile gradually I'm dying inside
Friends ask me how I feel and I lie convincingly
Cause I don't want to reveal that fact that I'm suffering
So I wear my disguise 'til I go home at night
And turn down all the lights and then break down and cry
____________________________________________

i'm barely holding it all together. i'm barely holding on.
everything is just too much.
i just wanna get away. pack my stuffs, get lost and shut everything out.

how bitter is a breakdown when you're battling it all alone.
cos the only thing that's hearing me is the four corners of my room.

11:24 pm

Wednesday, August 06, 2008

although it's 2033 hours now, i have a safe bet i won't be catching the dream train anytime before 1am. and somehow, my gut feeling tells me it's gonna be a sleepless night for me again. like wow. i can hold on 3 days with 3 hours of sleep per day. can i hold on another night like that? don't switch the tv remote, don't get your ass away from your seat. stay tuned to find out more.

and obviously it led me to being restless the whole day. the school day was pretty slack cos teachers either go through stuffs, they forgot to come in for lessons, they weren't in school or they were just plain boring. but homework kept on coming and coming. and coming and coming and coming. by geog, me and jes lee were already tired and fed up out of our wits. so naturally we had to come up with crap and start making noise to render us awake enough for Fascist Japan-ridden History lesson. and we agreed that the chapter is a must-study cos..well. there are only 2 things they can test us on. Causes and Impacts of Militarism. and uhh.. it was sort of new to me cos i've never studied that chapter before. *flinches*

then just now during HML, it was fun, although it was just sitting at that see-saw area to finish up our practice paper. initially, Cikgu Rina came over and sat to talk to us for a while. Cikgu is so cool lah seyy. our plan is to lepak (hang out) at her house after our Os and go for an outing. then Mdm Christina Low saw us and we sort of volunteered to deliver 3 cartons of drinks to the GO (now we know where they keep all the good stuffs). after that Cikgu Samat saw us and talked to us for a while before excusing himself to eat cos he was super hungry. Mira was obsessed about her Yakult and Nescafe (and then she got bullied by us). and then we decided on what to get Cikgu Kartinie for Teachers' Day.

talking about Teachers' Day, i have no idea what to get for my teachers. and also cos, well, i'm kinda broke. but never mind, i'll defo think of something.

and my new fave line from my new fave song from Mariah Carey:

got flavor like ice cream, cos i'm that chick you like

~ I'm That Chick by MC in E=MC2

thinking of which, we can probably use that slogan for the yearbook thingey. i think it'll be cute.

8:17 pm

Tuesday, August 05, 2008

guess what? operating on three hours of sleep for a soon-to-be third day straight isn't doing anything good to me or anyone else for that matter. cos by 2230 hours, our brains pretty much shut down. and any answers that crop up in our homework/revision is utter gibberish. sure, we're awake. sure, we know the answers, or at least know that we knew the answer once. then it all went haywire.

cos 1) we are already struggling to stay awake. and i really mean it. 2) we really wanna finish up our work cos we have no other alternative 3) as much as we tried, the brain has shut down. a 30-min power nap only restores alertness for the first 5 minutes. 4) i have no idea what i'm doing or writing.

11:47 pm

I'll Light A Candle by Agnes Monica and Keith Martin

I spend my time today
Just thinking of you
My heart and my mind
Are filled with missing you

I can't wait for the moment
When you finally back in my arms
So for now while you're not around
The thought of you keeps me warm

I'm longing for your touch
And your kisses i really miss
I hope you come home soon
But until then this is what I'd do

*Reff
I'll light a candle ( To say that you can hold )
Just to let you know ( Just to let you know)
That I've waiting so long for you to hold me
Tell me that you will stay ( Stay with me forever )
I'll light a candle in the window
All because of ...

(Keith Martin)
Just the thought of you
Gets me through my days
You constantly on my mind
In every single way

I can feel your touch in my dreams
I don't want to open my eyes
Just to know that you're waiting for me
Makes me feel warm inside

It's only time
That keeps us apart
But in a moment
We'll be face-to-face
And heart to heart

* Reff

(Agnes)
There's nothing that I need to know
That you coming home

(Keith Martin)
Don't you worry girl
You won't be alone too long

(Agnes)
When the morning comes and I see your face
Lying next to me

(Together)
We will make it last forever
Don't ever leave

*Reff
*Reff

i keep the smiles and laughters to avoid the painful truths. it's not time to face them yet.
with a few weeks left, the only thing i am left to do is to cherish every moment with you.
it's ironic - you're ready to settle down; i barely started life.

12:57 am

Monday, August 04, 2008

listened to Delon today. i think he has a very sweet voice. manly and strong, but sweet. it's hard not to like his voice. and of course, my fave song from him today is Merindumu (Missing You). i swear, everytime i hear that song, i melt. that, Karena Cinta (Because Of Love) and Aku Masih Cinta (I Still Love You).

also found Chelsea Olivia's Kucinta Apa Adanya Kamu (I Love You For Who You Are). personally, the song was meaningful. i mean, nowadays people keep on looking at superficiality. but loving someone should be about the person - you don't have to like or accept the flaws. but.. i don't know, we just have to treat those flaws as something that makes the person that we love the person that we love. without those flaws, the person we love won't be the person we love.

come to think of it, Titi DJ's songs are quite nice as well. Jangan Berhenti Mencintaiku (Don't Stop Loving Me) has this subtle connotation of imploring, or rather requesting, the Significant Other to appreciate you in their lives. and also cos knowing that he/she loves you makes you feel alive.

and ST12's Puspa is nice! i heard it over one of those fill-in slots on one of the indonesian channels quite some time back, and although i made a mental note to download the song, i sort of forgot. then i found the lyrics and the song as well. ST12 really has a way with their songs.

how can i forget Yovie & Nuno, winner for Favourite Indonesian Artiste on MTV Asia Awards 2008? their songs Menjaga Hati (Protecting Your Heart) and Inginku Bukan Hanya Menjadi Temanmu (I Don't Just Want To Be Your Friend) are sweet. and nicely done with that distinct Yovie & Nuno touch.

Letto has won me over with Permintaan Hati (Heart's Request). granted, it wasn't melt-worthy like Sebelum Cahaya (Before Daylight). mainly because the beat was faster. but i can't help liking the song. actually, i like almost all of Letto's songs. their songs always sound so sincere.

sighs. no wonder Indonesian artistes are considered the giants in the Malay music industry. the effect that their songs leave on listeners. and how deeply meaningful their lyrics are. when it comes to love songs, they can perfectly capture the feeling.

that's not to say Singaporean Malay artistes are not as good. Taufik always always always makes me melt everytime i hear him song, no matter what song. Usah Lepaskan (Don't Let Go), Berserah (Leaving It Up To Fate) and Till were perhaps some of my fave tracks from him because every song, every line sounds so sincere, it really touches my heart. and when he performs live, we can just know the sincerity there.

the same goes for Hady Mirza (anw, congrats Hady on being the singer for this year's NDP theme song!) during the Asian Idol competition (which he won!), when he sang Berserah, i couldn't help tearing. to prove my point, i listened to his other songs and watched his other performances. conclusion: there is just so much sincerity in his singing. you can feel it.

Aliff Aziz is still relatively new, but so far he's doing quite well. my fave song had to be Nyala, because i felt that's where he showed maturity and the prowess of his voice. give him a few years. he's only 17, there is still a long time for him to improve on his singing and song choices.

Fuad Rahman, although i can't find his songs as easily as Taufik's or Hady's, impresses me as well. granted, he's a rocker. but when he delivers those slow rock ballads, i can't help not liking them.

Elfee Ismail, pride of the Singaporean Malay community when it comes to traditional songs. he was the winner of Bintang Nusantara 2007, an annual competition held between traditional singers from Singapore, Malaysia and Brunei. His dad was renowned veteran singer R. Ismail who used to sing the very popular and much loved Gurindam Jiwa. His elder brother, Eiss, is another Singaporean Malay singer, but he's more inclined towards pop/rock. in short, he was from an arts bloodline. Elfee's voice is captivating - it sounds almost as powerful as his dad's. you never tire of his voice somehow.

okay, i think that's enough of gushing over some of my fave Malay artistes.
morning people!
and how is it that every song reminds me of you, in smiles or through tears? sometimes i hate myself for loving you too much.

12:14 am

Saturday, August 02, 2008

as noted, i changed my jukebox from For The Record to Thanx 4 Nothin. i was contemplating whether to put in Last Kiss, It's Like That, Heat or Thanx 4 Nothin before settling for the latter. and according to some youtube viewers, Thanx 4 Nothin is sort of a prelude to For The Record. one thing i like about MC is that some of her songs are coherently arranged. she did that for some of her MVs for Emancipation of Mimi, and she did it again for her tracks in E=MC2.

anyway, it's finally the end of the week. the only two subjects that i recalled actually listening in/studying today was amath and chem. which is bad, considering that i took almost 3 hours to try and complete one of the amath practice papers. sighs. there's this mutual disunity between me and maths.

after chem remedial, went to pray before hitting LJS for a very late lunch (or was it tea-time?) at about 4 plus. the stomach was hurting since..well, 1.15. but i guess once in a while it's okay to operate on an empty stomach.

but the whole time after school, for some reason you were in my mind. i realised that i'm actually scared about a lot of things. my prelims. my Os. my future.
and also, if you completely leave my life. if that happens... i can live, but i won't be alive.
yes, i'm loving the way the schoolweek ends - i got to see you for three days straight. i finally got to hear your voice, your laugh. see your smile. inhale your scent. exchange smses. i cherish every single waking moment that i'm with you.
but as i see how fast the days are passing, i just get scared because i know what it all spells. i'm trying very hard to make the most of whatever time that we could possibly have, no matter is it 2 minutes or 2 hours.
i love you, but i'm just scared. people say they respect me for the way i love you. but deep down, i don't feel that way - i'm too scared about all this. i don't even know what to do when the time comes - or if i can even pluck the courage when the time comes.
i guess it's true when they say that loving is never easy. but when you're unsure about what to do but completely sure about how you feel, that's when it hurts too much.

1:12 am