Friday, June 27, 2008

firstly, thank you westlife and lee ryan for being my accompaniment for the past week. do you guys know how much your songs meant to me? when i can relate almost every song to my life, that's why you all mean a lot to me. i'm tempted to list out all those songs. maybe i should, since i need to do something to get my mind off things.

by Westlife:
- If I Let You Go
- Us Against The World
- Maybe Tomorrow
- Have You Ever Been In Love
- The Dance
- Close Your Eyes
- Mandy
- Soledad
- One Last Cry
- Obvious
- When A Woman Loves A Man
- I Did It For You
- My Love
- I Lay My Love On You
- Unbreakable
- Written In The Stars
- Miss You Nights
- Against All Odds
- All Out Of Love
- I Miss You
- Why Do I Love You

by Lee Ryan:
- How Do I
- Guardian Angel
- Reinforce Love
- Don't Leave Me
- Stop The Rain
- La Donna Che Vorrei

but you know, the two songs that really stood out was: If I Let You Go and How Do I.
i might as well combine these two songs to compose the medley of my life.
they'd sound perfect.

10:39 pm

Thursday, June 26, 2008

the one thing about farewell is that it triggers off the impending scene of goodbye. would those moments be a 'see you soon/around' , or would the goodbye be forever?

anyway, i came across this song by Lee Ryan (ex-Blue member). it was a song for War Child compilation album which was released in the UK. i think the track complimented Stand Up For People pretty well. besides, Lee is rather on about reducing poverty around the world, especially among children. so his avenue is usually through his songs.

Don't Leave Me by Lee Ryan

Without your smile
Without your touch
I am not used to anyone
Without your voice
To soothe my ear
I am lost
Not know in which way to turn

Always see the beginning
And fear it's the end
As you tell me you love me
I can't comprehend
So...

Don't leave me
Now you're with me
Please say you'll stay always
Don't leave me
Now i'm falling, girl
Cause without your love
I am not used to anyone

Without your hand
Entwined in mine
It's a miracle I still breathe
Come rain or shine
Until all time
I will love you eternally

Always see the beginning
And fear it's the end
And you tell me you love me
I can't comprehend, no
So...

Don't leave me
Now you're with me
Please say you'll stay always
Don't leave me, no
Now you're falling, girl
Cause without your love
I am not used to anyone

Don't leave me
Now you're with me
Please say you'll stay always
Don't leave me
No, I'm falling, girl
Cause without your love
I am not used to anyone
___________________
Don't Want To Let You Down by Lee Ryan

So here we both stand after so long apart
Want to let go, but you're still in my heart
Should I give in to what's on my mind?
Should I just surrender, let fate decide?

Cos I don't wanna let you down
No I don't wanna let you down

Do you still remember, the laughter and tears
Who would have thought, the memories would last all those years
And I never gave in, I believe that somehow (yeah yeah)
That you're the one who really knew me
Do you know me now?

Cos I don't wanna let you down(Don't wanna let you down)
No I don't wanna let you down

Sometimes my mind runs away
And I need your guidance here tonight, oh
Sometimes, help me find the way to love
To finally love again (to finally love again)

Here we are together I'm trembling inside
But do I keep the memories safe in my mind?
There's a chance to stop the sorrow
There's so much to lose
Are you gonna be the one to show me babe...
The road I must choose

Cos I don't wanna let you down
No I don't wanna let you down

Noo... don't wanna let you down

9:45 pm

LD Farewell Party today! the whole event was really unexpected, how my juniors went to the nitty-gritty to prepare our farewell. i really don't know what to say. although i did not exactly contribute that much to LD, and although i always criticise my CCA, it has always had a place in my heart.

So from the bottom of my heart, i wanna thank my juniors (although they won't be reading this) for everything that they've done: the pizza, satay, games, and of course, the seniors' souvenir, an ultra-cool LD 05-08 digital keychain. i think i speak for all the seniors when i say that it's something that we will really treasure.

Para, Viv and Teran, no matter what we'll still be the highest committee. hehee.

8:50 pm

Wednesday, June 25, 2008

ever since i recovered from my fever + gastric flu a few days back, i can't seem to find my appetite. i mean, i can be very hungry, but when i eat, i feel so full. but a short while after that, i feel slightly hungry again. it's worrying, cos i'm eating so little. i don't know. i just can't seem to find the food around me appetising anymore. seriously. even if you plonk typhoon oreo in front of me, i'd reject it. maybe this is cos my tummy is still in the process of re-adjusting. but it's scary and worrying me.

i usually can't remember what i eat in a day, but today i can perfectly recall what i ate: 1 plate of mee rebus, 1 cup of ice cream, 1 packet of maggi mee, 1 garlic bread and 1/4 of a murtabak. do you know how little that is? usually i can finish at least 3/4 of my murtabak, 1 packet of maggi wasn't ebough and i usually entertained my tummy with cookies and whatnots in between lunch and dinner. last time i can just eat and eat and eat like what. but now, i can't even bring myself to eat. not even a sweet.

sometimes i wonder what exactly caused my abrupt drastic loss in appetite. was it my illness, or was it my emotions and current state of mind. or maybe it was a combination of both.

so yes people, THAT's the secret to weight loss. not that i need it much, anw.

to end off my post by making myself sound philosophical: when you're all alone, that's when all the truth hits you the hardest.

9:50 pm

Tuesday, June 24, 2008

not since a long time, i just broke down and cried thinking about us today. everything is just getting more ironical. i don't know how else i'm holding on.

ahem..yes, the Agents are back from their mission in the Bahamas and our enemies safely eliminated. but boy, it wasn't pleasant. at all. even now i'm feeling the after-effects.

anyway, i fell in love with... Westlife! yups, again! but it's the old Westlife, with Brian McFadden in it. i was watching a vid of Delta Goodrem and Brian singing Westlife's old hit, Flying Without Wings. watching Brian sing, i just suddenly missed those irish lads. i don't care what people say. I LOVE WESTLIFE! yes, i love them to bits!

why? cos (1) their songs are L-O-V-E. (2) they're the only menband that can really deliver songs that are meaningful, gives you strength, comforts you and makes you cry as well. as far as i'm concerned, only less than 5 other artistes make that list of mine. (3) you never tire of their songs. and when i say never, i really mean NEVER. i can hear their songs on loop and i will still love their songs all the same. (4) they're cute, aren't they? i mean, who cares if they're married/attached? point is, they're easy on the eye. (5) they plain rock. boybands come and go. this uhh..band was a boyband transformed to a menband and ta-da, they still rock! why? cos Shane, Mark, Nicky and Kian (and Brian once upon a time) simply do.

11:02 pm

Friday, June 20, 2008

i woke up crying when you appeared in my dreams. boy imy so. it felt so real.

ahemm. The Glers are currently away on leave due to unforeseeable circumstances (where all the agents are suddenly whisked on a jet to the Bahamas - in their dreams - to carry out their most top secret task of their secret agents' career.)

any queries should be directed at Agent Rid (who is still happily un-Perth-ing away) or to Agent Fika (once she decides to come back for work). Agent Umai is currently out of reach.

thank you for your kind attention.

[i can't make this speech any longer as we fear that our alien enemies might trace us down. however, i will be back to report for duty ASAP]

12:21 am

Monday, June 16, 2008

i've been trying to complete my homework, but i can't help feeling fcked up. yes, i'm feeling fcked up. oh wait, haven't i been feeling like that since a few days back?

but then again, i feel fucked up. so what? it doesn't matter.

sometimes i wonder, is the search for an escapism a way to cure someone, or a way to slowly kill what's inside someone. or maybe along the way of curing, it kills what's inside. two-pronged tactic.

time and again, i just want to sit down and cry. but it seems like i have forgotten how to. and know what? it's just hurting inside cos there's just no other way out.

people say time heals all wounds. maybe it did. but when wounds heal, they harden. that's how people steel themselves.

maybe it's true. maybe everything just kills off what's inside.

fck it all.

8:24 pm

Saturday, June 14, 2008

i'll be honest: i'm in a fcuking bad mood.

if i actually had something to rant, i'd rant. but i just suddenly feel so fcuked up. i don't know whatever it is that's called my life. the only thing i know right now is that i'm listening to wang leehom and not feeling any better. or maybe his songs aren't the best to listen to when you're already feeling down.

and maybe for the first time, i don't even feel like watching Spain play Sweden.
and i don't care if people's gonna read those previously 'missing' parts. you want to read, read lah. there's no point stopping people, anyway.

anw, welcome back rid (:
your sms woke me up this morning just in time for my subuh prayer. thanks rid.

11:38 pm

Thursday, June 12, 2008

thanks to umai's recent discoveries (ehemm. i know you know we know what lah kan), our primary school tales were brought up again. how i miss those days. too bad it'll be hard to replay those scenes again.

so the whole night we were just recollecting our pri sch memories. there was A LOT, but i guess i'll just share some that i will forever recall:

- me and andika were forever fighting over a potato dish at Stall No. 9. serious. everytime it's lunch, we'd race down (along with the others) and try to be the first to get the potato dish. cos dika ALWAYS gets all, and i always lose to him. bluekk. but once a while he'd give in. doinks.
- my favourite dish from the makcik at Stall No. 9 is her sambal goreng. but i don't think it's being sold nowadays :/ [pssst. next year cook it for me, ok makcik?]
- Stall no. 9 is our fave stall, really. that's where we all can queue up for food and still play-fight with each other. perfect examples: me and dika over potato, umai and zan stepping on each other's foot. hehe. and oh, one thing i will never forget: syazwan is always looking out for the tempe goreng every single time. plus the makcik always gives discount and free kueh. yayyy.
- the bus-bay is our playground. this is especially so after excursions, or while waiting for our HML class to start in the afternoon. in short, havoc reigned.
- BCG game in the field every recess when the weather is fine. that's where we all get our stamina, really. mindless game of catching in the whole field. 2 classes combined, with the occasional additions of kids from other classes. talk about bonding.
- the one incident in P6 where i was doing maths hw with ash and ziq. it was super funny. i wouldnt mind banging my head again and again to give the idea of how it was. so yes, haziq. you got yourself in my memory books thanks to your singing of Abang Torek and the soapy hair.
- sitting next to andika during malay lessons in P5. please refer to the first example to have an idea how i 'suffered' then. but no matter what, he's my beloved friend of 12 years. hehehh.
- crapping with Syafiq Saad, Zulhakim and Farid during malay lessons in P6. we were sitting together. imagine the scenario.
- music lesson with Ms Jayan! we somehow converted it to a dance lesson. and we were hip-hopping and what not. best music lessons ever!
- my favourite english teacher ever, Ms Hayati! she plain rocks!
- my prefect duties. they were fairly interesting, and slacking. but important though. hehehh.
- my school song and motto. only now do i realise that who i am is cos of my pri sch. so along with this goes my ex-principal, Mrs Tan (although i dont like her at that time at all). she's not bad, after all.
- the school uniform. i swear i like it a lot a lot, even at that time. it's just so cool, i think. white blouse, not-too-dark green skirt and a not-too-dark green prefect tie.

11:46 pm

Wednesday, June 11, 2008

went for the Panda outing with Viv, Sam and Le Yi (:

for the first time, i was the FIRST to arrive. hahaa. so i waited for the rest outside cineleisure, then off we went to get our tix. and to make a long story short, it was hilarious before we entered the cinema (thanks to vivien), during the movie (must-watch!! i will never see kung fu and praying mantis in the same light ever again) and after the movie (cos the exit hallway was lighted with blue lights, which was sort of weird. hehh)

after that we walked around first, cos viven was full after chomping on the popcorn non-stop throughout the whole movie. then we decided to head to Far East Plaza to eat at Ramen Ten (:

there was a buy-1-spicy-ramen-get-1-free offer there, so me and sam took that deal. she ate the lala ramen, i took the salmon one. then viv ordered the mushroom ramen while leyi ordered the chicken gyoza (which she commented was wrong choice afterwards). and to save budget, we all ordered green tea.

haha. we were rather captivated by the glass. i suggested to sam to sneak them into her bag but she refused :(

anyways, the food was great. and Panda (i.e Sam cos she was wearing black&white) and i were the only ones to finish our ramens. viv and leyi's reaction when they tasted our spicy ramen was rather funny. hehee.

after that, i went to pray so the rest went to Heeren first. there we just walked around (to ease the fullness and to elevate the feeling of sleepiness) and managed to grab some shots. after that, we all mrt-ed home. (and yes, in the mrt, i just slept like a log. oh wells)

(photo-edited this sneaky shot in the ladies)

10:46 pm

Tuesday, June 10, 2008

why is the situation between us like this? i'm annoyed at you but i still love you. although like i realise there's no fricking point in me forever waiting and hoping. but why am i still doing it without fail? i told myself i'm not going to bother too much about you. but why can't i stop worrying about you?
half the time when i miss you (like today), it feels wasted (like today). other times i can't help but miss you.
but like what most of my friends say, you don't care. so why should i care about you?
that's the problem. i still care for you, and i still know i'd die if anything happens to you. i can't imagine life without you being some part of it. i don't even know if i can pick myself up afterwards.
i just need people to back me up. to cushion my fall. i'm so tired of facing this alone. till now, i can still hold on to the threads. but what happens when it snaps?

special shout out to:
Umai - HAHA. thank you for making me laugh non-stop for a good 15-20 minutes. late night craps is the best! ILY beb. we are in the same perahu, 'thanks' to manusia2 yg benar-benar 'sensitive'. buhh.

Vivien - hee. i shall be a panda and hook onto you! and even if you run away, i will come look for you. hehe. can't wait for Wed!

and the song that accompanied me through the night:

Bicara Manis Menghiris Kalbu by Siti Nurhaliza

Satu per satu teman
Ada disekeliling mu
Satu per satulah jua
Tinggalkan diri mu
Cumalah aku sahaja
Yang masih lagi bertahan
Memendam rasa

Bulan madu yang indah
Sudah sampai kehujungnya
Engkau pun mula berubah
Dan beralih arah
Kata-kata manis
Tiada lagi ku dengar
Hidup ku pula makin tawar

Tiap bicara manis
Bagaikan selumbar bisa
Kau tanam di jiwa
Tak terlihat oleh pandangan
Mata mu

Tiap bicara manis
Memujuk dan merayu ku
Tak usah berlalu
Dan merajuk bawa hati pilu

Andai sudah tiba masa
Dan tiada jodoh kita
Biar kita berpisah... dari merana

Tiap bicara manis
Bagaikan selumbar bisa
Kau tanam di jiwa
Tak terlihat oleh pandangan
Mata mu

Tiap bicara manis
Memujuk dan merayu ku
Tak usah berlalu
Dan merajuk bawa hati pilu

Keikhlasan hati ku
Bukanlah untuk di balas
Cukuplah sekadar
Jadi kenangan waktu berjauhan

Tiap bicara manis
Bagaikan selumbar bisa
Kau tanam di jiwa
Tak terlihat oleh pandangan mata mu

Andai sudah tiba masa
Dan tiada jodoh kita
Biar kita berpisah...Dari merana

1:21 am

Friday, June 06, 2008

dreamt of you for three nights straight. and every little thing has started to remind me of you.
i miss you.
but i know there's no point even if you come online, cos it's not like we talk, anyway. it's just the presence of you there.
i miss you.
i have no idea how i'm going to keep on holding to this facade of strength. there's only so much the mind can avoid.
i miss you.
those songs that, for some time are just nice songs to me, have started to sink their meanings in again. iow, they're songs that i usually associate with you once.
i miss you.
i'm almost out of my mind keeping it all inside, trying very hard to accept and push it all aside at the same time.
i miss you.
i can almost remember everything that i know about you. things that i make it a point to remember. things that i suddenly found i can remember although it wasn't imprinted in my mind in the first place.
i miss you.
i wish i can just see you, even for a brief moment. yes you were in my dreams, and i saw you there. but those were just dreams.
cos boy, i miss you badly. i really really do.

but maybe i have to distance myself from you, from all of this.
i thought i was over you. i thought i had loved you less.
how was i to know it's never gone?

Breakdown by Mariah Carey

Krayzie:
Break break down,
Steady breakin me on down, break break down,
Steady breakin me on down,
Break break down, steady breakin me on down,
Break break down, steady breakin me on down.

Mariah:
You called yesterday to basicallly say
That you care for me,
But that you're just not in love
Immediately I pretended
To be feeling similarly
And led you to believe it was o.k
To just walk away from the one thing
That's unyielding and sacred to me

Chorus:
Well I guess I'm trying to be
Nonchalant about it
And I'm going to extremes to prove
I'm fine without you
But in reality I'm slowly losing my mind
Underneath a disguise of a smile
Gradually I'm dying inside
Friends ask me how I feel
And I lie convincingly
Cause I don't want to reveal
The fact that I'm suffering
So I wear my disguise
Till I go home at night
And turn down all the lights
And then I break down and cry

Mariah:
So what do you do
When somebody you're so devoted to
Suddenly just stops loving you
And it seems they haven't got a clue
Of the pain that rejection is putting you through
Do you cling to your pride
And sing "I will survive"
Do you lash out and say "How dare you leave this way?"
Do you hold on in vain as they just slip away

Wish:
Yeah, c' mon, yeah, c' mon, c' mon

Well I guess I'm trying to be
Nonchalant about it
And I'm going to extremes to prove
I'm fine without you
But in reality I'm slowly losing my mind
Underneath the disguise of a smile
Gradually I'm dying inside
Friends ask me how I feel
And I lie convincingly
Cause I don't want to reveal
The fact that I'm suffering
So I wear my disguise
Till I go home at night
And turn down all the lights
And then I break down and cry

Wish:
It'll break you down
Only if you let it
Everyday crazy situations rocking my mind
Tryin' to break me down
But I won't let it
Forget it ( forget it)

Krayzie:
I be feelin' like you bringing me down
Taking me around
Stressin' me out
I think i better go and get out
And let me release some stress ( stress )

Wish:Don't ever wanna feel no pain ( pain )
Hoping for the sun
But it looks like rain ( rain, rain, rain )
Lord, I just wanna maintain

Krayzie:
Yeah, I can feel pressures ya'll
But never the less
Krayzie won't fall
It's over, it's ending here ( here )

Well I guess I'm trying to be
Nonchalant about it
And I'm going to extremes to prove
I'm fine without you
But in reality I'm slowly losing my mind
Underneath the guise of a smile
Gradually I'm dying inside
Friends ask me how I feel
And I lie convincingly
Cause I don't want to reveal
The fact that I'm suffering
So I wear my disguise
Till I go home at night
And turn down all the lights
And then I break down and cry

11:10 pm

If I Say by Ramzi ft. Ash King

I been sitting here so long
Thinkin how this came to be
Don't know if it's right or wrong
Cos you're the closest friend to me
You're the one that I would call
When I needed somebody there
I know it makes no sense
But would you understand

If I say that I love you
If I told you what's the deal
If I say that I love you
Tell me how you feel
If I say that I love you
Would you like at me the same
Cos I don't know wanna throw it all away

If I say that I love you
If I say that I love you
Tell me how you feel
If I say that I love you
Throw it all away

Baby I can't look into your eyes
Cos Im scared that you might see
What I feel inside
What you really mean to me
And baby I can't run away
So I really need to know
Need to know

If I say that I love you
If I say that I love you
Tell me how you feel
If I say that I love you
Throw it all away
_______________________________
I Want You Back by L. Sayer

You know I thought I could live without you
I thought I could get along
But I never realized that I could be so wrong
Was I a fool to leave you
Or was I a fool to let you go?
Doesnt seem to matter much now baby
I should have never let you go

I want you back
I want you back
And I will never stop until I got you back, aah, aah

I wander the road where we used to walk
And lotsof people pass by
They all look like theyre in love
Everybody but me
I see your face in the crowd
I hear your voice everywhere I go
And when I turn around thinking youve come back
Ah, youre never, never, never there

I want you back
I want you back
And Ill keep on searchin until youre really here

I want you back
I want you back
And I will never stop until the love Ive got
Is back in my heart to stay

I want you back
I want you back
And Ill keep on searchin until the love I got
Is back in my arms until I got you back

I want you back
I want you back
And Ill never stop until the love I got
Is back in my arms until I got you back

imy. and isly. but let me keep it all to myself. let me still love you in silence. perhaps it's for the better.
things between us are getting nowhere. as much as i try to let you go and forget you, i can't. isly boy. but it's just something i can't say out.

12:38 am

Thursday, June 05, 2008

Jay Chou-ed and JJ Lin-ed the whole night. it was quite refreshing to be listening to Chinese songs after a long time. although i'm a wang leehom fan, i skipped him. diao. listened to Leo Ku instead, on Youtube. fell in love with his songs, Sleeping Beauty (in mandarin) and Love Too Late (in cantonese). i understand neither, but there's such a thing called translation so i don't really mind.

sighs, i'm feeling rather fcuked up recently. but whatever. life has to move on, doesn't it?

anyway, my stomach is pretty much semi-distended from a whole day of makan-ing. breakfast-ed with Vaish at McDonald's Tanglin Mall. then walked back to school from TM. a very eye-opening 25 minutes. hung around with Mira and Shiau Haln until 1.30, then met up with rayhanah and off we went in search of the Nita, Sharah, Nasuha and Cikgu Rina at Swensen's. malu-ed myself there, then the swensen staff let us switch tables. sorry peeps. ate and shared pastas around. then Cikgu Rina left halfway cos she has an appointment. then we Rinarians happily ordered Earthquake and was captivated by the dry ice for 30 secs before we wolfed down the whole thing. choosing the ice cream flavour was fun and chaotic. it was worse when we were eating the ice-cream themselves. [the Earthquake was the only thing that we paid for. thank you Cikgu! WLY!]

then we went to HMV to reduce the fullness of the Swensen's lunch. spent like 30 minutes there. i saw a lot of oldies CDs that i was tempted to buy. come on.. MoTown, James Brown, Diana Ross, Luther Vandross, The Police, Air Supply, The Remembrandts.. some of the best in the music industry ever.

then mrt-ed home. couldnt really stay awake, so got myself a decent power nap between Yishun and Admiralty. it felt slightly better. reached home at about 5pm, i think.

i'm going back to my ZJL and LJJ. tata!

imyal. suddenly everything i do doesn't make sense.

12:17 am

Wednesday, June 04, 2008

i know that i'm probably not the best person for you, but one thing that i'm sure of is how much i love you. the time and distance might have affected things between us, as with all the disagreements. but none of it changes what is deep inside my heart.
i lead my life trying to push you out of it, trying to de-focus you from my thoughts. but it's just thoughts. what's inside the heart is something that can't be changed. call me crazy or weird, but it was the same sincerity, the same sense of security, the same feeling of wanting to smile and cry at the same time.

i was listening to Westlife today, and found this song that i remembered i used to like. it's very sweet and meaningful, isn't it?

When A Woman Loves A Man by Westlife
Album: Turnaround

When the stars are in her eyes
And the sun is in her smile
The only moment in a life
That happens the same time
Is when a woman loves a man

She'll be a mother and a child
Sacrifice her days and nights
And no other will exist
She'll put her life in every kiss
When a woman loves a man

And you'll be amazed at when you're stumbling
She'll fight for you
And won't let you give in
She'll do all that she can
When a woman loves a man

A soothing breeze always blows
Somebody understands another soul
It's like the planets have aligned
Every sentence has a rhyme
When a woman loves a man

Oh, you'll be amazed how when
You're needing it
She'll fight for you
From the begining to the end
And she'll do all that she can
When a woman loves a man

It's the greatest gift of all
Knowing that unconditionally
She'll catch you when you fall
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
Oooohh, yeah
When a woman loves a man

When the stars are in her eyes
And the sun is in her smile
She'll be a mother and a child
But all at the same time
When a woman loves a man

She'll be your air,
She'll bring you life
She'll make me sacrifice
When a woman loves a man

12:45 am

Monday, June 02, 2008

i still love you, and with it, i wish for your safety and happiness.
because if anything happens to you, i won't be able to take it.

" 'cos baby you're all that i want
when i'm lying here in your arms
i'm finding it hard to believe we're in heaven "

1:44 am

Sunday, June 01, 2008

are they just dreams, or are they signs of things to come?
ya Allah.. tidak kira di mana dia berada, tolonglah lindunginya ya Rabb. aku takutkan dia.

finally kickstarting revision during June. whoots. i guess slowly does it. that's when it becomes a bit enjoyable.
Euro 2008 is starting - soon! yayyy. and i'm supporting Spain and Germany.
SG vs Bahrain next monday. all the best Lions! although i won't be at Kallang, i will still support you all. give the game your best shots, and hopefully we can win it. on to WC 2010!

2:35 am