Wednesday, April 30, 2008

i'm resigned to everything.
____________________________________________________
Agnes Monica - Matahariku

Tertutup sudah pintu, pintu hatiku
Yang pernah dibuka waktu hanya untukmu
Kini kau pergi dari hidupku
Ku harus relakanmu walau aku tak mau

(Korus 1)
Berjuta warna pelangi di dalam hati
Sejenak luluh bergeming menjauh pergi
Tak ada lagi cahaya suci
Semua nada beranjak aku terdiam sepi

(Korus 2)
Dengarlah matahariku, suara tangisanku
Ku bersedih karna panah cinta menusuk jantungku
Ucapkan matahariku puisi tentang hidupku
Tentangku yang tak mampu menaklukkan waktu
_______________________________________
Agnes Monica - My Sun

The doors to my heart are now closed
Once opened just for you
Now you've gone from my life
I have to let you go although i don't want to

(chorus 1)
The colours of the rainbow in my heart
For a while they're shattered, unmoving, then they moved away
No longer emanating the pure soft light
All the sounds ebbed away and i'm left alone in silence

(chorus 2)
Hear me, my sun, the sound of my tears
I'm sad because the arrow of love pierced my heart
Say it out, my sun, the poem about my life
About me who's incapable of conquering the passing time

11:56 pm

Tuesday, April 29, 2008

next time a part of my life is fucked up, can i please not be the last person to know about it?

woke up with a killer headache this morning. i thought i wouldn't be able to think straight for my papers today, but like the panadol extra advert goes, "there's no time even for a serious headache."

luckily SS was a semi-breeze and Bio was a paper that i could crap my answers in as long as they make sense. and have i mentioned how boring doing Bio papers is? i don't know how many times i felt like sleeping in the coldness of the hall.

[pssst. i'd like to contest the statement that 19 degrees C is the optimum temperature for the brain to work, cos it just makes me sleepier than usual.]

my mum bought for me the Ayat-Ayat Cinta novel! i saw the cover and i liked it. i read the first chapter and i fell in love with it. Habiburrahman El-Shirazy has such a way with words that just amazes me. simple, casual yet effective. i can't wait for the movie to be out!

there's a lot of cool malay movies coming out soon. english ones are a bit bluekk nowadays.
i wanna watch AAC, Congkak and Hantu Ambulance! (although the third one is really scary, but heck.)

but for now, it's the Man Utd-Barca match later at 2.30am!
come on lads! we can make it happen! we can squish barca and bundle them out.

i wanna eat ice kachang and chendol and bubur cha cha and red ruby. i'm really really dying for them. oh, and i want to eat indian rojak and grilled stingray and al-amin woodgrove's mee soto!
i wanna go to that italian place at bedok corner and try the ravioli. and haig road's kebab! and the claypot fried rice at TKC. and a really nice cup of teh tarik!!

makan-hunting at geylang + bedok after myes, anyone?
i'm so deprived of coffeeshops near my school :(

(8 balakS down, selori kayu balak more to go.
hidup mesti maju! hehe.)

oh hey, i come in to school at 2pm tomorrow. whoo! sleeping in(:
from emperor's new school at 6pm on kidscentral: "K-U-Z-C-O. Kuzco Kuzco, go go!"

11:28 pm

Monday, April 28, 2008

had my emath P2 and pure geog P1 today. both papers were relatively okay. geog was such a happy paper. i was like "yay!" when i saw the questions, and after the paper.

then after i step out of the auditorium and walked out of school... i don't know. i just felt like crying. i just felt... very down. and the best part, i have no idea why.

in the afternoon, i suddenly got the weird clammy feeling again. i hadn't had the feeling for quite some time. i was scared - really scared - for someone. again, i have absolutely no idea why.

i had a strong feeling to rush up to you, hold you tight, comfort you and cry in your place. from what or why, i don't know. but that's the persistent feeling the whole time.

i'm trying all my best to make sense of everything - what happened, what didn't happen, our fight, our situation etc.
but i don't know if i'm capable to take on all of this on my own.

but then, i have to. every other person just tells me not to think about it, shelve the whole issue. easy for them to say, because 1) they're not me and 2) i bet they're sick of it.

people have others to help them guide their way along when they're lost.
i guide others, no problem. but in this sort of thing, i'm somehow left on my own.

i don't know. i'm so tired.

i think i've lost it.

11:35 pm

Sunday, April 27, 2008

1:26 am

Friday, April 25, 2008

i'm hurt, pissed, sad, worried, scared... everything all at the same time. for a while i couldn't understand why i felt more hurt than pissed. i just felt so... emotionally-drained.

but when i became worried for you, ended up scared for you that i completely forgot my hurt.. that's when i realize that some things will never change.

that's when i realize i love you.

Separuh Hidupku oleh Titi DJ

Pernahkah selama ini
Ku berhenti mencintaimu
Pernahkah kau mendengar
Ku tak ucap sayang padamu
Di setiap detak jantung
Ku selalu sebutkan namamu
Cintamu telah membuat
Hatiku terukir jelas dirimu

Reff:
Engkaulah jiwaku
Engkaulah mimpiku
Engkaulah separuh dari hidupku
Hanyalah dirimu
Yang membuat segalanya indah

Biarlah yang ku rasa
Semua itu akan abadi
Kan kulakukan segalanya
Agar ku dapat cintamu

Back to : Reff

(I)
Ku sayang dirimu, ku jaga hatimu
Di sini tempatmu di sisiku
Tetap ku terjaga dalam tidurku
Memikirkanmu dirimu

Usahlah yang kau rasa
Semua kan abadi
Separuh hidupku
Lupakan segalanya
Agar ku dapat cintamu

Back to : Reff, (I)

9:05 pm

Thursday, April 24, 2008

i was right - it was screwed.

just because i didn't tell you straight, doesn't mean i don't feel hurt or pissed.
just because i'm always accepting of things, doesn't mean it was okay.

the very least you could do was to tell me beforehand.

as much as i'm hoping for an apology from you, let's face the facts - it'll never happen.


thank you so much for everything that you didn't do. you're welcome to do it again next time.

8:05 pm

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

the only thing that's keeping me going is the meet :)
which i hope will materialise and no weird thing will cause it to get cancelled again :\

2 people pissed the whole school off this morning, and then someone else pissed The Back Five. so basically, everyone was like, what the hell is their problem?? and obviously, the whole sea of curses and swearings took place afterwards. it was pretty entertaining, to be honest. like what i told ferind and vaish, i felt like lining the 3 of them up and shoot them ala the mafia execution style. that'll be soo cool.

sometimes i don't even feel like coming to school, thanks to the lessons that i have. who am i kidding? of course i don't feel like coming to school. out of all the lessons, the only lesson that i even bother to look forward to is english, because that's when The Back Five get the chance to crap with a teacher. (see the power of words now?) and also because of The Back Five and my friends. i owe them a lot, especially The Back Five because of their nonsensical rubbish that can not only make me smile, but laugh a hell lot. i love you guys! and and and, let's make that zoo-cum-karaoke-cum-bowling-cum-night safari trip a reality, alright?

sometimes i wanna tell the whole world what i'm feeling inside. but that's gonna be the most stupidest thing for me to do cos it's risking everything. so more often than not i'll just keep it to myself.

gotta really start studying for mid-years. i am too relaxed :/

11:05 pm

Monday, April 21, 2008

maybe according to people, my day today is relatively slack:
crapped in school with The Back Five as usual (things got a bit funny in that sense after the bio test paper and the question about 3 similar roosters who had either all their parts intact or some parts removed). then hung around after school to have a quick eating fix with vivien, samantha, shijia and yuki. they're so funny! i miss them a lot. then went home, watched White Lady (this philippine horror show) and it was only after dinner at around 9pm did i start on my work. and truth be told, i've never done so much science in 2 hours plus. but somehow i feel too guai for my own comfort. kwang3.

anyway, i agreed to reschedule tomorrow's meeting to thursday. i was pretty worked up about it when i first discovered that i have to cancel it. but then got a grip on myself and asked this morning, so it got rescheduled to thursday, although that means i have to waste a couple of hours before the meeting. but i don't really mind.

y'know, suddenly the date and time of the meeting feels so deja vu.

maybe fate wasn't stopping us after all - maybe fate decided on this exact one-year meet between you and me.

11:05 pm

i finally knew the song title (artiste i'm not too sure), after hearing it countlessly and liking it everytime i hear it being played. it's a pretty old song, actually. something out of the 70s, if i remember correctly.

When I Need You

When I need you
I just close my eyes and Im with you
And all that I so want to give you
Its only a heartbeat away

When I need love
I hold out my hands and I touch love
I never knew there was so much love
Keeping me warm night and day

Miles and miles of empty space in between us
The telephone cant take the place of your smile
But you know I wont be travelin forever
Its cold out, but hold out, and do I like I do
When I need you
I just close my eyes and Im with you
And all that I so wanna give you babe
Its only a heartbeat away

Its not easy when the road is your driver
Honey thats a heavy load that we bear
But you know I wont be traveling a lifetime
Its cold out but hold out and do like I do
Oh, I need you

When I need love
I hold out my hands and I touch love
I never knew there was so much love
Keeping me warm night and day

When I need you
I just close my eyes
And youre right here by my side
Keeping me warm night and day

I just hold out my hands
I just hold out my hand
And Im with you darlin
Yes, Im with you darlin
All I wanna give you
Its only a heartbeat away
Oh I need you darling

and when i'm in love with you, how?

12:40 am

Sunday, April 20, 2008

2:05 am

Friday, April 18, 2008

woke up this morning loving you more than yesterday.
and ending off the day loving you more than in the morning.

Terlalu Cinta oleh Rossa:

Jangan dekat atau jangan datang kepada ku lagi,
aku semakin tersiksa karena tak memiliki mu
Ku coba jalani hari dengan pengganti diri mu,
tapi hati ku selalu berpihak lagi pada mu

[#:]
Mengapa semua ini, terjadi, kepada ku

[Reff:]
Tuhan, maafkan diri ini,
yang tak pernah bisa, menjauh,
dari angan tentangnya

Namun, apalah daya ini,
bila ternyata, sesungguhnya,
aku terlalu cinta, dia
Tapi hati ku selalu berpihak lagi pada
mu

[#] ~~ [Reff]

[#] ~~ [Reff]~
Aku terlalu cinta, dia

loving you with all my heart and sould.
you're my everything.

11:03 pm

Thursday, April 17, 2008

i admit: i was pissed in the morning. then,

" But I hate it...
You know exactly what to do
So that I can't stay mad at you
For too long that's wrong "
- Hate That I Love You by Rihanna ft. Ne-Yo

sometimes i just hate you for it.

11:36 pm

Wednesday, April 16, 2008

this is random but important: UMAI! ILY beb! hehe.

as usual, morning crap with umai via sms. hehe. sampai berpantun dibuatnya kita, padahal nak lempar the bedebahS ke dalam tank piranha. haha. okay, actually it was from yesterday that we were throwing 2-liner rhymes (aka pantun in malay) for everything we said. yesterday's MSN convo was pretty evident of that.

and guess what i realised? when i'm sad/cried, two things will happen to me. and one of them is getting a slight fever. which is what i'm getting now. kwang3.

the other one.. shhh.. it's too embarrassingly weird to tell the world.

ANW, umai and i have a post-MYEs plan outlined: we're gonna make tiramisu together-gether! our target ingredients: lady's finger biscuits, cream cheese, whipped cream, canned fruits

and oh, i STILL want to go for P. Ramlee the Musical. i wanna go as my post-MYEs treat, and also because i want to. i think that's one of the things that comfort me now. kwang3. especially since i wanna go with the Glers. it can be like our mid-year outing. i miss going out with them - like, properly going out. not just sneak time after group study. hehehe.

me /// you
which one of us is creating the wall, and who keeps on trying to break it?
i don't know what's going on between us.

i near gave up.

9:46 pm

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

i think i'm gonna be a pro at holding back the tears. whoots.

How Do I? By Lee Ryan

There she goes once again
The ghost of our love, it's making me shiver
It's only small drops of pain,
But even the rain can turn into rivers
Thought i'd be safe, living behind this wall
But the pressures too much, and it's starting to fall

**So how do i get over you
How do i survive living half the life that i knew
Oh how do i get over you?
When you take away
Everything i held to be true
I wonder if you feel it too, do you?

Everywhere that i turn, there's something there
Something to remind me
When i sleep it's alone, still i reach out
As if you're beside me
Thought i'd be safe, i tried to find something new
But everything that i did
Is something we used to do

**

Seems like every place, every person we knew
Every sound every taste, reminds me of you
I thought this would be gone, but it's still so strong
I keep holding on, what else can i do?

**


i understand you. i understand myself.
i just don't understand the things between us.

is this selflessness on my part, or mere stupidity?
sometimes the line is too thin to see.

12:05 am

Saturday, April 12, 2008

confused and lost,
but i'm slowly picking up the puzzle pieces.

Apalah Arti Cinta oleh Ungu

apalah arti hidup tanpa cinta
apalah arti cinta tanpa kasih
dan apalah arti diriku tanpa hadirmu
apalah arti semua tanpa dirimu

ada dalam pelukku
bersatu selamanya
karna cintaku ada untuk dirimu
memberikan semua yang terindah
karna kasih suciku hanya untukmu
yang takkan mungkin hilang
dan takkan pernah bisa sirna

ada dalam pelukku
bersatu selamanya
karna cintaku ada untuk dirimu
memberikan semua yang terindah
karna kasih suciku hanya untukmu
yang takkan mungkin hilang

karna cintaku ada untuk dirimu
memberikan semua yang terindah
karna kasih suciku hanya untukmu
yang takkan mungkin hilang
_______________________________
Matahariku oleh Agnes Monica

Tertutup sudah pintu, pintu hatiku
Yang pernah dibuka waktu hanya untukmu
Kini kau pergi dari hidupku
Ku harus relakanmu walau aku tak mau

(Korus 1)
Berjuta warna pelangi di dalam hati
Sejenak luluh bergeming menjauh pergi
Tak ada lagi cahaya suci
Semua nada beranjak aku terdiam sepi

(Korus 2)
Dengarlah matahariku, suara tangisanku
Ku bersedih karna panah cinta menusuk jantungku
Ucapkan matahariku puisi tentang hidupku
Tentangku yang tak mampu menaklukkan waktu

when we're running out of time, all i want is for you to stay.
tell me, how do i lead my life without you?

10:56 pm

Friday, April 11, 2008

woke up with the worst feeling this morning. my eyes hurt, as if i was crying in my sleep. or maybe i was, if last night's dream was anything to go by. so yeah, went to school, although i had no idea where i was heading or whether i've reached redhill mrt or not. and it took me 2 mrt stations to realise that the window had water trickling down because it was raining. the whole day, i don't know what i've been doing - if i've been doing anything at all.

i just felt so lost when i woke up. i didn't want to see you, but the moment i stepped into school, you were the first person i looked out for. then i didn't want to see you after that.

everybody's been telling me somehow the same thing.

but when the intuition keeps on coming, keeps on getting stronger by the day, i just can't ignore it. i've tried to but i can't ; how many times have these intuitions turn out to be true?

something cropped up while i was blindly doodling god-knows-what just now. hopefully it's just some blind scribblings. please don't let it be another one of those...

11:44 pm

Thursday, April 10, 2008

" maafkan bila ku tak sempurna
cinta ini tak dapat ku cegah
ayat-ayat cinta bercerita cintaku padamu "
~ Ayat-Ayat Cinta oleh Rossa

i thought about it for quite a long time today. the whole afternoon, rather. i haven't cried for you for so long - i thought i won't ever again. but then the tears just fell.

i don't know what's it between us, how is it between us. i don't know us. i don't know what to do, how to act.

if waiting is a really stupid thing to do, then why does it feel so right?
and why do i feel that i'll be doing a huge mistake in giving you up?

i don't know if this is possible, but sometimes i wonder whether i fell sick because it's time for me to, or because i've been missing you too much. it's been a long time...

funny isn't it, how is it that our lives can entertwine, but never become one.
that all this sensing is one-sided, but i welcome it.
that i wish you're gone from my life for one second, but regret it afterwards because i can't bear the thought of losing you.
that the problem is simple, but the context is complex.
that time is running out on us, but we keep on forgetting about it.
that i feel like crying, but reining it all in for your sake.

that i realise i'd die if anything happens to you, but realise i can never tell you how much of my life you mean to me.

10:56 pm

Wednesday, April 09, 2008

maybe this distance is just making me fall for you more.

" Rindu...telah melekat dalam hatiku
Walau awan berlalu
Rinduku tak berubah arah

Purnama mengambang cuma berteman
Bintang berkelipan dan juga awan
Siapa tahu...Rindu yang mencengkam di hatiku "

~ Purnama Merindu oleh Siti Nurhaliza

7:57 pm

i've been wanting to post these SMS exchanges between me and umai where we always end up laughing in public, but then, typing out from hp to computer screen takes some time. anyway, enjoy!

(this was on the 6th april, 22:29 hours. we were discussing about rid's dilemma)

umai: dengan bantuan rakan2 mereka, fikapika dan tupaiumai dapat mengalahkan raksasa2 tk berhati perut yang telah mengkidnap spiderrid.
me: FikaPika: ambik ini bedebahS! *electric zap*
TupaiUmai: nyehehehe! *ultrasonic waves yg memekakkan telinga diorg sekejap*
Others: *menyibuk dgn cheering*
Monsters: AAAHHH!!
umai: HAHAHAHAHA! ehh ape punye comic dar. kwang3. tergelak aku dibuatnyer.
me: HEHE! komik ini ialah produksi The Glers & Co. Productions. Segala idea adalah ASLI.

(this was on the 7th april, in the morning before school. still about the comic strip)

me: latest news: stake-out pagi ini nyaris2 tidak menjadi, gara2 fikapika dan tupaiumai terlalu syokk mencekik bahulu pandan. boring menunggu the bedebahS katakan...
umai: *sambil mengunyah bahulu* hish. bedebahS ni btol nyer bedebah. aku ni dah penat tau
menunggu. tengok ni, bahulu pandan aku pun dah nak habis. hiii.
me: *burps* tulah. mata aku pun dah layu dek kekenyangan ni. aku rasa ehk, kita gi turu dulu lah. tak nampak pun batang hidung jendul donga diorg..
umai: tkper fika. there's always a tmrw. and when tt tmrw comes, we, fikapika and tupaiumai, shall battle the evil and save the world! wee!
me: HAHA! eh, aperdar. dr tmr ke tmr ke tmr. takku sangka superhero pun boleh sleep on the job. kwang3.
umai: sesungguhnyer, kite ni bukan superhero sembarangan. bkn niat kiteorg nk tdo tpi dah bedebahS tu lembab nk mampus
me: Meanwhile, in the bedebahS land...
Monster: lincah lerr *breathe like darth vader*
Ketam: sabar sikit boleh kan? *moves o.5 mm*
Monster: lamb-bap btol! *tiba2 oxygen supply habis*
umai: HAHAHA. *outside monster land*
umai: ehhk. asal aku tibe2 rasa mcm susah nk breathe?
fika: aku pn. japp. *takes out 2 oxygen tank from her pocket* nahh, pakai ni.
me: umai: ahhh..lega sikit.
fika: ehehk, bau mcm strawberry lah.
umai: hehe. sorry, aku tgh cekik munchy donut ni. nakk?


hehehe. these sort of things never fail to make me laugh. orang sakit jadi tak sakit, orang tak sakit boleh jadi sakit dibuatnyer.

7:57 pm

Tuesday, April 08, 2008

Heaven by Bryan Adams

Oh - thinkin' about all our younger years
There was only you and me
We were young and wild and free
Now nothin' can take you away from me
We've been down that road before
But that's over now
You keep me comin' back for more

**Baby you're all that I want
When you're lyin' here in my arms
I'm findin' it hard to believe
We're in heaven
And love is all that I need
And I found it here in your heart
It isn't too hard to see
We're in heaven

Oh - once in your life you find someone
Who will turn your world around
Bring you up when you're feelin' down
Ya-nothin' could change what you mean to me
Oh there's lots that I could say
But just hold me now
Cause our love will light the way

**

I've been waitin' for so long
For somethin' to arrive
For love to come along
Now our dreams are comin' true
Through the good times and the bad
Ya - I'll be standin' there by you
_____________________________
You Are The Love Of My Life
By George Benson ft. Roberta Flack

You are the love of my life, I knew it right from the start
The moment I looked at you, you found a place in my heart
You are the love of my life, you give me reason to live
You taught me how to be strong. With you is where I belong

No one's ever touched me, quite the way you've touched me
People search a lifetime to find what we have.
You are the love of my life, one thing that's good in this life
I'll spend the rest of my days just loving you

You are the love of my life, the heart and soul of my life.
Once I was lost and alone, with you, at last, I am home
You give me so much of you and leave me room to be free.

No one's ever touched me, quite the way you've touched me
People search a lifetime to find what we have.
You are the love of my life, one thing that's good in this life
And in a world full of change, one thing I'm sure of
You are the love of my life,one thing that makes sense in this life
I'll spend the rest of my days just loving you

You are the love of my life and I thank God I'm alive
To spend my lifetime with you, You are the love of my life.
_____________________________________
Everything I Do (I Do It For You) by Bryan Adams

Look into my eyes - you will see
What you mean to me
Search your heart - search your soul
And when you find me there you'll search no more
Don't tell me it's not worth tryin' for
You can't tell me it's not worth dyin' for
You know it's true
Everything I do - I do it for you

Look into your heart - you will find
There's nothin' there to hide
Take me as I am - take my life
I would give it all I would sacrifice
Don't tell me it's not worth fightin' for
I can't help it there's nothin' I want more
You know it's true
Everything I do - I do it for you

There's no love - like your love
And no other - could give more love
There's nowhere - unless you're there
All the time - all the way

Oh you can't tell me it's not worth tryin' for
I can't help it there's nothin' I want more
I would fight for you - I'd lie for you
Walk the wire for you - Yeah I'd die for you

Ya know it's true
Everything I do - I do it for you
___________________________________

icantstopmyselffromfallinginlovewithyou...

12:16 am

Sunday, April 06, 2008

had study date with Umai and Rid at the library yesterday.

10:44 pm

Saturday, April 05, 2008

that unexpected 5 seconds that made my morning, changed my day...
i'd like to relive it over again.

thank you(:

12:07 am

Thursday, April 03, 2008

today was..well..everytime i wake up high in the morning, my day will just turn bad at the end.

things are just so hot and cold between us, i don't know which is which. i know you're busy and stuff, but please, don't do this sort of thing. i didn't even thought of complaining when i still have to sms you 5 days later just to get your reply when like i told you wayy earlier to do likewise. but then, you're not the only busy person around.

i'm not demanding anything - i don't have any rights to, and i won't want to.
but it's not like i'm asking for all your life, or a whole day or what.

i don't know where it started, where it's headed, how this whole situation is like. cos the whole thing is just hot-and-cold.

doesn't mean i can bear with this every time.
maybe this is why being emotionally attached to someone's dangerous.

i'm frustrated. confused. tired.

12:48 am

Tuesday, April 01, 2008

yes i'm still waiting, but it's not like i'm sitting around doing nothing but wait for the message to come in.

i'm tired. i already left it up to you to decide how things will go.
but things keep on being hot-and-cold, i just don't get it.

heck everything. heck you, even (for a while).

12:53 am

changed my jukebox again.
stuck between selecting the instrumental and the original vocal+guitar version.
for now, i'll take the original+guitar version by Bryan Adams.

12:39 am

the one

Nur Syafiqah Ahmad Jaaffar ex-WGPS 6E'04 Crescent Girl's School syaf_316@hotmail.com

be sorted @ nimbo.net

tell me the truth

Links

Siti Humaira
Sathiya
Nazeera
Tasneem TKGS
Jolene
Aaron
Debbie
Vivien
Syazwan
Farid
Zailan
Haikel
Ziying
Yeewen
Shi jia
Samantha

the past matters

October 2006
November 2006
December 2006
January 2007
February 2007
March 2007
April 2007
May 2007
June 2007
July 2007
August 2007
September 2007
October 2007
November 2007
December 2007
January 2008
February 2008
March 2008
April 2008
May 2008
June 2008
July 2008
August 2008
September 2008
October 2008
November 2008
January 2009

Credits

Powered by: |x|
Designed by: |x|
Photohosting by: |x|
Brushes by: |x|
Image by: |x|