Thursday, January 31, 2008
i can't tell you, so i'll just say it in these love songs." When you say thank you to me,for some reason it hurts,Like a magic spell that doesn'tget undone even after the good byea hint of bitternessThe flavor of life
Sweet talk and tasteless conversationsit sparks no interest in meeven when things do not go the way you wantit doesnt mean you've thrown your life away
When asked "whats wrong?"I answer "its nothing"The smile that disappears after goodbyeIt’s unlike me
The more i wish to believe in you,For some reason it hurts even more"i like you a lot" instead of "i love you" sounds more like youthe flavor of life
the period when you suddenly remember the scent of someone you had almost forgottenI want to be able to openly and honestly cherish the white purity of the falling snow more
A future tender and warmer than a diamondi want to grasp it, in this limited time we have, i want to spend it with you
when you say thank you to me,for some reason it hurts,Like a magic spell that doesn'tget undone even after the good byea hint of bitternessThe flavor of life "~ Flavor Of Life (translated) by Utada Hikaru" I don't wanna let u go, I don't wanna let u go Even as time passes by, my unchanging heart You're still my one; I can't throw away the fact that you're my love If you saw, how funny you'd find it "~ Cassiopeia (translated) by Rain feat Lim Jong-Hee" The dark cloud places a piece of shadow in our heartsI listen respectfully to my mood, which has already been quiet for a long timeClear and transparentJust like the beautiful sceneryIt's always only clear when seeing it in my memoryCan the heart, that has been thoroughly hurt, still continue to love me?I make an effort to pull up the pair of hands that have no warmthThe tenderness in the past has already been locked by timeOnly leaving sadness that doesn't go awayThe maple leaves slowly falling down are like thoughtsI light a candle to warm up the end of autumnThe northern lights plunder the edge of the skyThe northern wind brushes past the expressions of missing youI take love and burn it into fallen leavesYet I can't get back that familiar faceThe maple leaves slowly falling down are like thoughtsWhy must retrieving be hurried before winter comes?Loving you passing through timeTwo rows of tears from the end of autumnLet love permeate through the groundAll I want is you to be by my sideThe graceful red rain in between the mountainsideWithering with the north windI lightly swing the wind chimesI wantTo awaken the love that has been desertedSnowflakes are already spread all over the groundDeeply scared that the maple leaves outside the window have already become frozen "~ Feng (translated) by Jay Chou" you will always be inside my heartyou will always have your own placeI hope that I have a place in your heart toonow and forever you are still the oneit's still a sad songuntil I can sing a new songyou are always gonna be my loveeven if I fall in love with someone once againI'll remember to loveyou taught me howyou are always gonna be the oneit's still a sad songuntil I can sing a new song "~ First Love (translated) by Utada Hikarumaybe we don't see each other anymore, maybe there's the distance between us, maybe things are different. but whatever happens, the only thing that i'm sure of is, i still love you.
10:12 pm
Wednesday, January 30, 2008
firstly, Happy 16th Birthday Andika, my oldest friend that i've known since nursery(: you know i love you friend. haha.
___________________________________________________________________
i know that some people think that i'm wayy better off and happier now, since i'm like crapping non-stop the whole day with the ICJ. but just because i crap, laugh, join in the craziness doesn't exactly imply that i'm really okay with stuffs. sure, studies-wise, i'm trying to make it a point to do work in advance, especially for subjects like emath (which is now leisure time). sure, entertainment-wise, the ICJ is just simply nuts.
i thought i managed to cover it all up pretty well. i really thought that nobody can see through it. but it's funny when suddenly one person realises what i'm actually feeling beneath my whole demeanour. i was quite taken aback when she asked whether i'm okay or not. i mean, physically i am. mentally, i am. emotionally, i'm not. but yeahh...it's better to let people assume that i'm perfectly okay, inside out.
my life has been pretty quiet nowadays. i'm so tired - i simply don't want to care about half of my world. whatever happens, happens. whatever doesn't, simply doesn't. whether he's gonna be in my life or not, i leave that up to God. whether the number of friendships that i have is gonna shrink and be reduced to a single digit, i just simply don't care. i've had enough of all the hipocrisy, lies and broken trusts.
sometimes i just feel like breaking down. cry it all out, comfort myself, and walk through the door as if nothing happened. i can do that. i always do that. but it doesn't matter cos nobody cares.
10:12 pm
Tuesday, January 29, 2008
a very late round-up of the outing with Umai on Sunday at SG! Whee!
haha. so we met up around 2 plus, then made our way to Seoul Garden. hahaha. we grilled some 'people' there as we ate. umai's was represented by a small piece of meat that ended up being charred at the end (to resemble some backstabber, i think) and then there was another piece for her spongebob. hehe. mine was a small piece of chicken (that wicked witch of the west) and another piece was for someone else. but anw, the first piece was super charred. and the second piece wasn't at all - it was well-cooked although i purposely left it there for over an hour, including when me and umai went to take dessert. the deal was that if that piece of chicken wasn't burnt at the end, then i was wrong about him. so, yeapps, turned out i was wrong about him (:
HAHA. the dessert was one funny incident. get this:
Incident 1: In Front Of The Ice-Crushing Machinefika: urmm.. macamana nak start benda ni? *looks at the machine, unsure*
umai: uhh... ada switch. try the switch lah.
*fika flips the switch on, and the thing whirrs to life. YAYY!
then fika and umai peers at the metal plate where the ice is supposed to come out*
fika: weyy?? asal ais dia tak keluar2?
umai: agaknya kena letak ais tak?
fika: aiseyy... takpelah, kita gi makan aiskrim ajelah.
Incident 2: Ice Cream and Abang Kicapumai: nak aiskrim mana ehk?
fika: sembarang ah. kau ambil aje.
umai: jap.. *struggles with the ice cream scoop* fika, tak bolehlah! *still struggling with the ice cream scoop*
abang kicap: *turns up* need help tak?
*umai and fika blur sekejap*
umai: uhh.. *looks at abang kicap* tolong ambilkan aiskrim, boleh?
abang kicap: bolehh.. *tries to scoop from one tub tapi cannot* alamak, yang ni baru taruk. jadi masih frozen. tak nak yang lain ke?
umai: uhh.. fika? nak mana ehk?
fika: uhhh... ambil semua sekali lah. kata buffet apa.
umai: urmm..semua sekali lah.
*abang kicap scoops one each from each ice cream tub and hands it to umai, who hands it to fika*
umai: thanks ehk.
fika: terima kasih (: *turns to umai* ehk, takde chocolate sauce ke apa ke...
umai: *pergi survey* uhh.. fika fika, chocolate sauce takde. tapi kalau kau nak, kicap tu banyak ada kat sana.
abang kicap: ohh..you should try makan ice cream dengan soya sauce. sedap.
*fika and umai gives each other the huhh?? look as they went back to their table, laughing*
hahaha. kesian umai, kena perli. kwang3. after that we went to take neoprints TWICE! haha. we didn't have enough of all those crazy poses that we did, so we ended up taking it twice. hehe. we were simply chaotic. 1) we were trying to understand all the jap words and stuff. macamlah kita ni faham. hishh. makanya, there was a lot of asal-main-hentam-ajelah when it comes to the selection part. 2) decorating the neoprints was super chaotic. haha. we had no idea what we were doing, or where the different stuffs were. so we were just adding (and don't know how to erase) stuffs onto our prints. hehe.
after that, we shopped a bit. went to JL but saw that the queue... mak kau, punyalah panjang, kalahkan orang queue up untuk beli nombor ekor. so we ditched over to metro and shopped! hehe. we bought matching SilkyGirl perfume, the new glittery one. we opted for Electric Blue. then umai picked up Adidas Floral Dream pack (masih condemn adidas ke cik umai?) and i picked up a soft pink Maybelline Fruity Lipgloss. hehe.
after that, we were tired but didn't feel like going home. so we went for dessert - again! and all the way, we couldn't stop thinking about Abang Kicap. hehe. that incident was sooo funny!
when i reached home, took a look at my neoprints and ended up cracking up. haha! outings with umai are best selaluu!! hehehe. ILY beb (:
pssst...umai umai, ada satu budak tu kan, pagi jadi officeboy, petang jadi maid berbaju hot pink. tapikan tapikan, dia taknak pakai penyapu hot pink - dia nak colour neon green jugak! dah puas dah aku bilang dia, dia MESTI pakai penyapu hot pink. tapi dia degil jugak. oleh itu, saya declare, gaji dia dipotong separuh!
10:35 pm
Saturday, January 26, 2008
skimmed through The Complete Idiot's Guide To: Friendship for Teens. despite it being a good 5-6 years old, it's still crisp and brand-new. serious. even the pages are white. but anyway, i gues that book will be great for people. cos there they list down what are the basic foundations of a friendship (which everyone will need to have), crimes against friendship, when to break off a friendship. to quote the book, 1) screwing up once is often forgivable; twice is dubious. 2) If your "friend" really doesn't care, neither should you. i feel like wrapping up a copy of the book and present it as a gift to people who need it although they don't realise it.
to quote umai (sorry ehk..hehe..) : aku bukan tunggul lah seyyy. (i'm not a piece of dead wood lah seyyy.)
basically in friendship, trust is the most important thing. when you lose trust in people, and they're not doing anything about it, initially it frustrates you. but then you just feel heck care about it. yeah, it hurts. but if your "friend" don't care, neither should you.
baring my emotions doesn't work. sarcasm doesn't work. efforts to talk things around nicely although i feel like just shouting to make my point heard just fall through. i never want to show this side to anyone, but brutal honesty is the way to go. and trust me, when i mean brutal honesty, i mean that i just say whatever i want to say and don't give a damn shit about the other party's reactions, feelings, etc. cos i am beyond the point of being considerate.
ignoring all these sort of people who never fails to piss me off a helluva lot, i am so looking forward to tomorrow.
only 24 hours left to the outing with UMAI! whee!
8:28 pm
Thursday, January 24, 2008
woke up this morning not giving a hoot about the world, L included. i didn't care, i didn't want to see him, i didn't want to hear him, whatever's gonna happen can just happen cos i just didn't care. vented it out during mass run and PE. badly needed to talk things out with someone, anyone. but as usual, came back to class, crapped with the ICJ (Insanely Crappy Judiciary of me, ferind, jeslynn lee, vaish and laura) and ended up silently talking and consoling myself all the way home. funny how you can have so many people around you but none can get what you're actually driving at. then you wonder who are your actual friends and who are simply people in your short life. FFS, not everything is about L. and when i say 'talk' , i don't mean a 5 minute summary of whatever happened.
i give up trying to talk to people. i just fucking give up. half the time they don't even bother listening. so why the hell should i waste my time? i am so sick of it all - talk to the hand, thanks.
i used to go to L to talk all these things out, all this whirlwind of confusion and fed-upness and the whole fucked up feeling. cos he listens and stuffs. but not this time. this time i don't want to. i just simply don't want to.
but i end up talking and consoling myself in the end, cos hey, who's there? things are so haywire. i don't believe in the whole "i'll be there for you" bullshit anymore. i simply don't. everything's in disarray. maybe next time i should like have a book where i write all my appointments. that'll be nice, won't it?
maybe i'm heading for a breakdown. i just can't take all these things anymore. i just can't.
10:28 pm
i don't know how you managed to do it, but you managed to spoil an otherwise relatively-nice day for me.the very least you could do was to say hello and ask how the results went. did you? i walked past you, i somehow gazed up. but there you were looking like some egoistic jerk just walking past me without so much of a glance.if you only knew... i couldn't sleep well yesterday because i was just so scared and worried for you. the whole of yesterday morning, i felt so uneasy. then the test-tube broke - a sign. then at night i suddenly got this fleeting feeling that something's going to happen to you the next day. i couldn't go to sleep thinking of that. this morning i woke up worrying about you. the uneasiness remained all the way to school. especially in the train, when my hp's mp3 suddenly stopped at the beginning of Last Thing On My Mind. when i click on the play button, the ending of I Want It That Way end up being played, although it wasn't on the playlist that was playing at all. what was more weird, after that song ended, it resumed with my playlist. when i heard IWITW being played, i almost dropped my phone. i was just so so scared, especially since earlier i prayed that should anything bad happen to you, let Him show me a sign. what shocked me wasn't just the sudden playing of the song, but the song itself. i still remember.if i'm to tell you all this, most probably you'll tell me that i'm being paranoid. maybe i am, because i don't know how i'd cope if anything happens to you. i'm pissed at you. i don't even want to think about you or talk to you for the rest of the week. but at the same time i'm worried sick about you. i'm just so worried for you out of my wits.
10:28 pm
got back my malay o level results. alhamdulillah.. i got an A1 (:
and congrats to the current sec 4 higher malay students as wells as our seniors who took the express malay paper! the distinction percentage for express malay paper is 82.9% last year as compared to 60-something % in 2006. that's a HUGE jump! congrats to us, them as well as all of our malay teachers!
and all the Rinarians got A1 for their paper! nita, sharah and i were hugging each other after we got the result. i was tearing. nita was half-crying. mira was crying - she couldn't believe it. and then she laughed and then she cried again. haha. rayhana was super happy. nasuha teared as well. shiao haln was just plain happy. Rinarians 2007 has a 100% distinction record for malay o level paper (: after we all calmed down, went to see Cikgu Rina. we each got a hug. haha. we love you Cikgu!
overall our seniors did better than that in 2006. the latter had an average MSG of 9.9 . the 2007 batch scored 9.4 ! so i guess they're hoping that my batch can equal or get a 9.0 MSG ??
and for once, i want the mock tests back.
10:28 pm
Tuesday, January 22, 2008
i haven't been feeling all too calm or relaxed like my usual self these past few days. sure, i crap in class and look like as if i'm having one helluva of a fun. i don't deny that. but at the same time i'm just crapping more cos that's a way to forget everything momentarily.
i haven't been at ease since last week. sometime before chem started, i suddenly had this fleeting thought: if something's wrong with _, my test-tube will break. and sure enough it did. and then the whole day, i just felt so uneasy. i don't know. i was praying when i got another sudden fleeting feeling that something's gonna happen to _ tomorrow. i'm just so scared. just so so scared. i don't know what i'd do if....this just added on to the whirlwind of confusion that has taken my life by storm recently. i'm just so....lost.i realised something, but it's just something i have to keep silent about.
and one more thing: my deepest condolences to the family and friends of the late Heath Ledger. he was a great actor, and it was such a shame to see him go so soon. may he rest in peace.
11:44 pm
there's something wrong somewhere, somehow, someone. i don't know whether it's just my mind playing tricks on me, or if what i'm sensing is true. maybe this realisation is a sign of things to come, or of something that i should know about. but exactly what, i don't know.
i have no idea if this confusion is confusion on its own, or it's because of this.
i just hope things turn out fine, whatever the issue might be to whomever.
" bila kau senyum, ku gembira
bila kau sedih, ku menangis
- -
walaupun jasadku jauh
namun hati tetap padamu "
kalau itu cuma setakat lagu, kenapa aku rasakan kalau sesuatu telah terjadi kepadamu, kau sedang melalui sesuatu yang sukar?
11:44 pm
Who are you now?
Are you still the same
Or did you change somehow?
What do you do
At this very moment when I think of you?
No matter how I fight it
Can't deny it
Just can't let you go
I still need you
I still care about you
Though everything's been said and done
I still feel you
Like I'm right beside you
But still no word from you
~ I Still ... by BSB______________________________
Don't ever doubt
Your trust in me
I'll give you my heart
So honestly
Deep in my soul
Baby, you'll find a dream
I'll never change
Baby, I'll be there for you
Wherever you go
Whatever you do
I've got forever inside
For all of my life
I'll be there for you
~ I'll Be There For You by BSB________________________
Looking for beauty in a certain
Finding the strength inside a gray
Maybe I'm heading for a breakdown
And maybe that's ok
Could be I'm hanging on for dear life
Maybe I need to get a grip
Cause you're the only one
That makes me feel like this
So...
Save me I'm falling again
Keep me from breakin' in a million pieces
In the end no matter what I do
There's nowhere, nowhere to go
~ Nowhere To Go by BSB
11:44 pm
Monday, January 21, 2008
my feet are extremely dry. note taken: must buy Ellgy's foot cream.
the last time my eyes hurt this much was during the contact lenses removal - i was tearing badly. i wasn't trying to remove my contacts today, obviously, but tearing all the same. it got pretty uncontrollable during lunch and after school in the mrt. my eyes were so sore during chem, i was surprised that i can still manage to smile along with jes lee, vaish and laura and do the chem calculations at the same time.
i was just sitting down finishing up my amath when i suddenly thought back to a msn convo i had with _ and the wicked witch of the west a few months back. 27 november, to be exact. i wish i had lambasted her right there and then. but considering that _ was there (and it was _'s account), i held back. but after that, i just regret not lashing out at her. she's not the only one who can play with words. so yeah.. i pretty much remembered some parts of the convo (i.e. the parts where i got so pissed).
sometimes _ seems to be like his old self. the way he acts, the way he talks. the same as approximately 1 year back. and then at the same time, i wonder if he's still like how he was a few months back. i wish he hadn't changed. or even if he had, i wish he'll be back to the guy that i fell for. what i wouldn't give to have him back.
why do i get this insistent feeling in the mrt that you'll come to me? that if i wait a little while longer, just a little while longer, you'd come to me?_ isn't exactly contributing to the confusion that i'm currently facing about life. other stuffs, other issues... i don't know how to start explaining, cos i'll end up more confused in the end. i don't know what i'm doing with my life, who to trust, how to ignore everything and get on with stuffs, why i can't stop loving the one guy that i'll never end up with, half of the stuffs in this life i've come to realise are just plain bullsh*t, i'm lost, i'm confused, i'm fine but not okay. i don't know. i just don't know.
sometimes i feel that if _ is just there - no need for words or what - but is just there, things wouldn't seem so bad. other times i don't even care. i don't want to approach _, mainly because i myself don't know what the heck is wrong with me, and he's not my problem-solver: he's the guy that i'm in love with.
11:06 pm
Sunday, January 20, 2008
i don't know what's wrong with me. i'm not stressed out or anything (cos the question being, i'm stressed out about what? almost all the backlog stuffs are cleared, and the to be cleared are already cleared). and i'm no longer depressed (i can go out, have a good laugh, no longer crying). things are going on pretty normal for me. my social front is all fcuked up and i can't give a damn shit about it. but other than that, i'm fine cos i can manouevre around it. things are going on okay. so why do i feel that there's something terribly missing in my life?
everytime i come online, take a look at my msn contacts list, there are only 3-4 contacts that should be there cos they're the only ones i talk to - the rest are dismissible. so even if i delete them, no harm done. they still have my hp number.
i am so tired of the people around me that sometimes i just feel like blanking out everyone except the people that i still want in my life. initially, i'm troubled. now i just don't fcuking care. if people want me in their lives, go ahead. if they don't, then that's the least of my problem. cos thinking about this stuff makes me feel like going, "like uhhh.. whateveR. talk to the hand."
i have my family. i have the Glers.
i have _ somehow in my life. i have other friends and acquantainces. they're sufficient cos they're my backbone, cos they've been with me through the pain and the smiles, cos they've seen me at my best and my worst. as long as i have them, my life is fine.
random: umai, macehh sebab kasi aku that link to the gurindam jiwa vid. macam tahu aje yang aku akan terhibur lepas dengar (and tengok) lagu tu. tuai padi antara nampak, esok jangan layu-layuan. intai kami antara nampak, esok jangan rindu-rinduan. hehe. ILY beb (: SG on sunday tau!! whee!
10:38 pm
Moments by WestlifeIf i die tonight, I'd go with no regrets
If it's in your arms, I know that i was blessed
And if your eyes, are the last thing that i see
Then i know the beauty heaven holds for me
But if i make it through
If i live to see the day, if I'm with you
I'll know just what to say, the truth be told
You take my breath away,every minute, every hour, every day
Cause every moment we share together
Is even better than the moment before
If every day was as good as today was
then i can't wait until tomorrow comes
________________________________________________
All I've Ever Wanted by Mariah CareyIf you only knew
What I feel for you
If you only lived for me
The way I live for you
I'd be in heaven
My dreams would come true
** Cause all I've ever wanted
Is you and you alone
And I love you so
More than you could ever know
All I've ever wanted
Is you
If you were my own
To caress and hold
I would shower you with love
And drown within your soul
Because I live and breathe for you
And I really need to know
**
Everything I do is for you
You are every part of me
And I don't want to face
Another day alone
Without your love
**
12:11 am
taking a break before plunging into 2 chapters for Social Studies test next monday. finished my geog and higher malay, but got stuck on amath, so there's a lacking in the accomplishment feat. and i'm not even making sense in whatever i'm writing. LOLS.
i'm nocturnal, i think. i can't concentrate or do work in the afternoon (i spent it watching Ankahee, a Hindi flick, on Central. it was super nice!) so i just start gearing up in the evening past 8 and all the way to past 2 or 3am.
and i can't study if things are too quiet or too noisy. i need just the right amount of noise, so that's where my music playlist come in. best working tracks? classics and easy listening songs.
okayy. being random - again.
di mana kan ku cari ganti, serupa denganmu...although you're nothing like what i thought my dream guy will be like, but that's precisely why i end up loving you so much. i'll keep this all away from you, and let you lead your life. maybe it's best for both of us that you don't know it at all. but as long as i know it, i guess that's just fine.
12:11 am
Saturday, January 19, 2008
can there be a time where i can feel truly happy without having the three-quarter of the people around me feeling all fucked up? i don't have anything against them, but having this to keep on re-occuring: it's fucking annoying.
i haven't felt this blissful for a very long time. and naturally i won't want to ruin it with dampening issues. some issues are beyond control; the stuffs just get bloody cancelled repeatedly. other issues, FFS, i wish i could tell them to think. the solution is right there in front of your face. sheesh.
and to three-quarter of the people in my life, thank you for dampening my spirits, pulling them down and taking away this one moment where i thought i could purely feel happy. you guys rock. whoots.
12:04 am
Friday, January 18, 2008
everyone's been pretty busy and stuffs so communication level has somewhat dampened. it'll be nice if you can do stuffs or really just sit down and talk things out with one of your friends, just the two of you. but yeah... whatever lah. so sick of thinking about it already.
in any case, today was a pretty nice day for me, especially in the afternoon. spent it smsing _ until my prepaid ran out. not that there's a lot left before the whole sms thing started anyway. and as usual, _ made me laugh and surprised me with something about organic chem and A5 paper. hahas.
i can't recall ever being this pleased for a long time (:
8:24 pm
Thursday, January 17, 2008
out of the blue, but this is just going out for _.
cos some things aren't what they seem to be. some things just turned out to remain the same all this while.Whole Again by Atomic KittenIf you see me walking down the street
Staring at the sky, dragging my two feet
You just pass me by it still makes me cry
You can make me whole again
If you see me with another guy
I'm laughing and I'm joking doing what I can
I won't put you down cause I want you around
You can make me whole again
[Chorus]Looking back on where we first metI cannot escape and I cannot forgetBaby, you're the one, you still turn me onYou can make me whole againTime is laying heavy on my heart
Seems I got too much of it since we've been apart
My friends make me smile if only for a while
You can make me whole again
[Chorus]
For now I'll have to wait
But baby if you change your mind don't be too late
Cause I just can't go on it's already been too long
But you can make me whole again
[Chorus]
[Chorus]
Baby, you're the one, you still turn me on
You can make me whole again
i haven't stopped loving you - not once, not even when i re-realised what i felt for A. all i did was that i just accepted that she's a part of your life, and that i have to move on. cos the very least i can do for you is to carry on with my life.maybe i'm blinded by love, but i feel that once again, after so long, i'm looking back into the face of the guy that i fell for.
11:55 pm
having a killer on-off headache since morning. so it's like sometimes i feel okay. other times i feel like passing out. and those other times i wish i could pass out cos it's tiring having it on-off.
just realised that i forgot to print out 17 sets of Higher Malay notes for the two Sec 4 HML classes. half of the history students haven't paid for their files. and i have a malay compo to do. sheesh. so that's why this killer headache is annoying me cos it's hindering me from going at 120km/h.
dropped _ a note 2 days ago, and to be honest, although i wasn't expecting a reply, i still find it unusual that he didn't reply. cos usually the reply is pretty instant. lols. maybe he's busy or something.
sighs. i'm very tired. during CME, although me and jesslyn lee were 'abusing' ferind, the topics brought up during the lesson just made me think more about my emotional/psychological aspect of my life. which brings me to a point that i may be thinking too much about it.
how can i not? i miss _ a lot, but good grief, it's not like there's anything i can do.
9:55 pm
Wednesday, January 16, 2008
today was just plain weird. kickstarted with a weird dream last night that catapulted me down (not literally). then it set me thinking about it as soon as i wake up. kept thinking about it on the way to school. my mood the whole day was pretty low, but i have to credit jeslynn lee, vaish, ferind and laura for being the crazy people that they are to keep my spirits up. so to be honest, i was only paying attention during history and amath. the rest of the lessons.. zoned out completely.
to add to the weird factor, i've been sniffling and my eyes hurt as if i've been crying for hours on end but i swear i didn't. and my mood and my focus is just like that as well. i don't know why. i seriously don't know why. i feel somewhere between lost and not knowing about anything at all. even when i asked Debbie to drop that note in, it was like something that has to be done.
i don't know. there's just something, but i can't quite put my finger on it.
10:31 pm
my weird dream last night spoiled my mood for the day. it wasn't until after lunch that it picked up a little.
i just hope it remains a dream. cos it'll be shattering if that's the way you turn out to be.so yeah.. this song got stuck in my head the whole day suddenly:
Dua Insan oleh Ezad (Exists) & Eva (Iva Virginia)( Eva: )
Bila kau senyum, ku gembira
Bila kau sedih, ku menangis
Bagai taman rindukan kembang
Ku rindu wajahmu oh sayang
( Ezad: )
Di mana saja kau berada
Ku kan tetap bersamamu
Walaupun jasadku jauh
Namun hati tetap padamu
( Ezad: )
Bila saja halangan menimpa
Kerna cinta ada ku tetap setia
Hanya dikau dan asmara
Membuat hidupku bagai dalam syurga
( Eva: )
Biar masa berganti masa
Biar pun musim berganti musim
Telah kukatakan padamu oh sayang
( Eva & Ezad: )
Hanya kuasa Tuhan dapat memisahkan
( Eva: )
Jika kau tanya pada rembulan
Mengapa cahaya berseri-seri
Nanti jawabnya kepada mu
Kerna dikau cinta padaku
( Ezad: )
Ku persembahkan kepada mu
Sekuntum bunga mawar merah
Kau terima sambil tersenyum
Kembang yang harum kau cium
( Eva & Ezad: )
Bila saja halangan menimpa
Kerna cinta ada ku tetap setia oh...
Hanya dikau dan asmara
Membuat hidupku bagai dalam syurga
( Ezad: )
Dua insan sedang bercinta
Dua insan berjanji setia
(Eva & ezad:)
Telah kukatakan padamu oh sayang
Hanya kuasa Tuhan dapat memisahkan
( Eva & Ezad: )
Bila kau senyum, ku gembira
Bila kau sedih, ku menangis
Bagai taman rindukan kembang
Ku rindu wajahmu oh sayang
( Eva & Ezad: )
Di mana saja kau berada
Ku kan tetap bersamamu
Walaupun jasadku jauh
Namun hatiku tetap padamu
10:31 pm
Tuesday, January 15, 2008
it's easy to fall in love, but difficult to fall out of it. cos when you fall, you stay fallen.Memories of the love I left behind I still think about it all the time nothing stays the same~
If only time will tell you what is meant to be There's a place I can't let go Only in all the dreams I used to know I wish it was the same- Memories by BSB_________________________________
Never Gone by BSBI really miss youThere's something that I gotta sayThe things we didThe things we saidKeep coming back to me and make me smile againYou showed me how, to face the truthEverythings thats good in me I owe to youThough the distance thats between us now may seem to be too farIt will never seperate us deep inside I know you are** Never Gone, never far in my heart is where you areAlways close, everyday, every step along the way Even though for now we've got to say goodbyeI know you will be forever in my life (Yeah)Never gone (no no no no no)I walk alone, these empty streetsThere is not a second you're not here with meThe love you gave, the grace you've shownWill always give me strength and be my corner stoneSo how you found a way to see the best I have in meAs long as time goes on, I swear to you that you will be**If theres one thing I believeI believe I will see you somewhere down the road again** x2__________________________________________you're never gone, never away from my heart. cos despite it all, i feel like you've always been there - always.L, maybe there's a distance between us now, we've entered the new year. but one thing never changed. ily.
11:28 pm
Monday, January 14, 2008
i feel so pleased cos now i have officially 5 karangan left to do (: 2 functional essays, and 3 essays. will get down to it sometime later. lols. i want to bask in the relief. i guess a to-do list actually helps, cos then you'll feel very serene and relieved after you finished your tasks.
anyway, crapping with umai - again. hehe. this time it has something to do with coming up with those couple phrases. you know, stuffs like, "if you're the water, then i'm the sea" and stuffs. lifted and modified from farid: if you're the cookie monster, then i'm the cookie-maker. umai came up with hers: if you're chicken mcspicy, then i'm chicken mcwings. so the main reason i'm laughing my head off in my seat is cos umai and i are coming up with mine. i thought of if you're the scorpio, then i'm the fish. but apparently it still sounds weird, so i was thinking of, if you're the banana, then i'm the cake or something. doits.
okay okay. i gotta pick up my senses. cos everytime me and umai crap, i lose my marbles. hiahia.
10:16 pm
Sunday, January 13, 2008
Can You Stop the Rain by Peabo BrysonHere's another morning without you
Here's another day; will I get through it
Without breaking down?
Haven't seen the sun since you've been gone
Like my heart, I lost it when you left me
And it can't be found
Baby, can you stop the rain from falling?
Won't you chase my clouds away?
I'd give anything to see the sun again
Only you can stop these tears from falling
I can't face another day
Baby, can you stop
Can you stop the rain?
_____________________________________
I'd Give It All Away by Victoria BeckhamI got this feeling and it's driving me wild
I haven't seen you for a little while
I got this feeling and it just won't go away
Then you came
And showed me
How to love this way
But there's one thing
That I should let you know
I'd give it all away
I'd sacrifice everything
With every beat of my heart
Like you i couldn't breathe
I feel like we're meant to be
I'm falling in love again
Holding me close in your arms
With you is where i should be
____________________________
In Your Dreams by Victoria BeckhamFrom the moment that you came into my life
I knew the world was right
Angels must have sent you down to me
Take my hand and you'll see things in your dreams
In your dreams
I'll walk with you
To the edges of heaven I'll be there for you
In my heart you'll see the truth
Close your eyes till you'll find me in your dreams
I'll walk with you
______________________________________
sometimes when the truth itself is unclear to you, it's best to keep things to yourself.L, as long as you don't get hurt in the end, i'm fine with you and her. serious.and A, as long as you don't leave my live ever again, i'll be okay.
11:55 pm
to farid: thanks dude. aku takde apa2lah. okay-okay aje. don't worry. if really need be, i will ring you up non-stop sampai telinga kau pekak,okay? hehe. anw, happy 3rd month anniversary for you and ais (: aku ingat lerr.. jangan cakap aku tak ingat.
farid was asking me how come i sounded so sad on my blog. i'm not. heck, i'm listening to Deewangi Deewangi as i'm typing this. "all hot girls put your hands up and say, om shanti om! all cool boys come on make some noise and say, om shanti om!" mana ada orang sedih dengar lagu macam gini kan? kan kan kan?
anw, actually sincerely did and finished my emath homework for the first time. did half of my weekend homework, and didn't study for the tests tomorrow. i'm hoping that they'll be doable cos i have no idea what to study. cos i somehow deleted the MLG email informing what chapters are tested for chem. lols. and SS is SBQ, so i'm hoping that some of the sec 3 syllabus are still lodged somewhere in my head.
and Victoria Beckham actually can sing! managed to find 6 of her songs, and to be honest, i'm enjoying them, especially the songs from her unreleased album, Open Your Eyes. i had the notion that it was directed at David Beckham during the Rebecca Loos saga. i guess that this makes me a closet Victoria Beckham fan. lols.
11:55 pm
changed my jukebox, from a clip of hady mirza's performance to mariah carey's Through The Rain. which is to say the least, my favourite music vid cos 1) i love the song cos it's just so meaningful and really lifts your spirit when you're down. somehow it puts that ray of hope back in your life. 2) it has butterflies as mariah's emblems! like her, i love butterflies 3) i love mariah's voice. one of a kind. 4) its cinematography is great. i like how the song starts with the opening of the picture album. unique.
i didn't even realise it was past 1am until i decided to blog cos i was doing my homework. and despite sceptics' opinion, i do believe that homework can be a good distractor and stress-buster (if your issue isn't about homework itself). maybe that's just me and my weird opinion. lols.
and SJ will be out of school for 3 months!! i miss her a lot already! and she even said that she might not be taking her Os this year! no way man! we won't let that happen, cos hey, all of us are here to help you with it (:
what else? oh yeah. i read Victoria Beckham's book, That Extra Half An Inch. and boy, despite my blatant dislike for her, her tips in the book do make sense. and thanks to her, i know how to get shoes that look somehow like Manolo Blahnik's cos that book introduced me to how Manolo Blahnik's shoes look like. and and and, VB also gave tips when is the best time to buy shoes - at the end of the day, cos that's when your feet has expanded and thus, you can find the perfect fit. there were a lot of useful tips, despite it coming from a book by someone i'm not very fond of. great read for fashionistas!
haven't tried out Maybelline's new Volume XPress HyperCurl mascara. it looked and sounded good. in fact, even the bottle looked glam enough. hahas. will review it as soon as i get the chance to try it out. get it at around $14 at John Little now as it is during the Spring Sale. usual price $16.90 (before 20% discount for JL cardmembers). also available at all department stores.
1:00 am
Friday, January 11, 2008
isly. maybe it's true, maybe i am stuck between the both of you. ily both the same. and at the same time i know that in both instances it's one-sided, but i seriously love you both.
_, i thought it was easy getting over you. forgetting you. letting it all go. but how can i when we've been through so much together? how can i, when you were the one to help me pull through the storm? how can i, when i've fallen in love with you without me realising it?
biarkanlah, biarkan aku hidup sendiriantak ingin aku mengenangkan kisah lamabiarkanlah, biarkan aku hidup sendiriankarena hati ini telah dilukaicountlesstly you hurt me, _. countlessly, i lost my patience with you. countlessly, i'm hurt because of you. but why do i end up forgiving you for all of that? why do i end up seeing through all that to see the person that you are? i ended up accepting it all as part of your flaws, no matter how annoying they can get.
tersekat nafasku kabur pandangan matakuamat tersiksa jiwaku karena kehilangan dirinyai miss you. that's all i know now. that's all i'm feeling now.
i don't want you to leave my life just yet. i've lost you a number of times last year. i don't want to lose you again.
ingatkan kau kepada ..embun pagi bersahaja ..yg menemanimu ..sebelum cahaya ..ingatkan kau kepada ...angin yg berhembus mesra ..yang kan membelaimu ... cinta ..._, i know you have her. i suppose you're happy with her. i'm happy too, seeing you happy. but if this is of any console to you, i'm no longer crying.
i miss and love you without realising it. that if tomorrow never comes, i'll never be able to get the chance to tell the people that i love that i love them, including you.
_, no matter wherever you are, who you're with... just know that i'll always pray for your happiness. ily.
11:40 pm
random entertainment news: apparently saif ali khan is now attached to kareena kapoor. humphhs. but he has two kids, anyway.
________________________________________________________________
dragged myself to school today. do i have a choice? took both my maths test today. e maths was doable - i almost finished the paper. a math was screwed. when i was taking the paper, my mind just went blank. sighs. anyway, hoping that i can pass both. i really need to work on my maths.
didn't see L around the whole day, although supposedly i should be seeing L at the opposite block somehow. or maybe i missed. sighs. despite being a newly-frequent-jerk sometimes, he's great to have around. he makes things sound simple. lols. and he used to be funny - as in, really funny at nobody's expense. but this year is just different: i can count the number of times i see him around on one hand and the number of times i talked to him without any hands. the idea of a note has been bugging me for some time, but maybe it's just one of those pointless ideas. and besides, i bet he's busy with stuffs as well since it's the starting of the school term. maybe some time later? or not at all. sighs.
L, i missed saying your name, hearing your name, seeing your name. i missed hearing your voice, seeing your smile, noting your words. i missed the scent of your cologne, and i missed seeing the way you carry yourself - in such an annoying manner. i'm just not used to living life without you, not after spending my whole year with you last year. you became one of the major part of my life, and it was difficult letting you go. i miss you."love isn't a matter of counting the years, but making the years count"i had 1 year with you, and it was one of the best years, despite all the tears and pain. cos in that year, i met and found you. isly.
10:04 pm
Thursday, January 10, 2008
found something to give some of my sec school friends. some issues you just have to put behind. so, yeapps. what is the gift? can't tell.. surprise (:
dan sesungguhnya umai, kau tahu kan kenapa aku buat macam ni.
uhh.. somehow, i think umai and i really have contracted what she called the 'best friends flu virus'. cos not only are we flu-ing together, we have a craving for chicken as well. kwang3. banyak-banyak makanan kat dunia ni, ayam jugak kita pilih. ish3.
i'm pretty on about school tomorrow. i miss L, in a friend kind of way. thought of writing him a note or something, but maybe towards the end of the month? i don't know.
" Aku tak biasa, bila tiada kau di sisiku
Aku tak biasa, bila ku tak mendengar suaramu "
life is just....different without him. maybe i'm so used to seeing him all the time last year that suddenly this year, although i do see him, but it's under different circumstances. it's different. i haven't talked to him at all this year, and i miss that. talking to him - he always make sense, no matter how much of a jerk he can be.
10:04 pm
Tuesday, January 08, 2008
officially sick (and no, this MC isn't from some doktor ayam tak bertauliah). panadol and strepsils are not enough to beat it. and i have A math test tomorrow. darn.
anyway, am looking forward to sitting with vaish, ferind and jes lee. like the three of us pictured, it will be a very chaotic back three. hiahia. that's what happens when you mix three crazy people together. lessons should be entertaining. hiahia. just need a table from G1, then it's settled.
what else? oh yes, me, umai and farid are sick together (did i say this earlier?) hiahia. but it's not fun, cos then we can't chat without being whisked off to bed early. they make my nights of homework/studying bearable. ILY guys!
i miss L. yeah, i know. it's pretty random. but i just miss L. if he was here, at least things won't sound and seem so bad. i've pretty much fucked up my friendships with my secondary school friends. i'm sick. i don't know what to talk to A. and i just miss L so much.
maybe compared to others, my issue isn't much. in fact, it isn't anything much. it's just me being fed-up with the way things are going. and these stuffs are not exactly within my reach. and i'm tired if everything seems to go one-way. it's like a lonely one-way highway.
'i walk this empty street
on the boulevard of broken dreams'
okayy, randomness. more randomness: para and i somehow came up with an idea (shhh.. can't tell). first part was carried out. second part may be quite tricky. and my sore throat isn't helping at all. i think i'm gonna SMS para about it. (and no, this has nothing to do with ferind's diabolical plan or her..uhhh...weird dreams. hiahia.)
to whoever that is feeling down, feeling that the world is at the end, things are spinning out of control (or just life is fcuked up, like me last week) :
1) Have a Break, Have a Kit-Kat [i love this slogan. it's true, really.]
2) a very meaningful song,
I'll Be There For You by The Rembrandts. somehow it's my monday blues cure.
So no one told you life was gonna be this way
Your job's a joke, you're broke, your love life's DOA
It's like you're always stuck in second gear,
When it hasn't been your day, your week, your month,
or even your year, but...
**I'll be there for you...
When the rain starts to pour
I'll be there for you...
Like I've been there before
I'll be there for you...
'Cause you're there for me too.
You're still in bed at ten, though work begins at eight,
You burned your breakfast, so far things are going great,
Your mother warned you there'd be days like these,
But she didn't tell you
when the world was brought down to your knees
that...
**
No one could ever know me.
No one could ever see me.
Seems your the only one who knows what it's like to be me
Someone to face the day with.
Make it through all the mess with.
Someone I'll always laugh with.
Even at my worst, I'm best with....you - yeah
It's like you're always stuck in second gear,
When it hasn't been your day, your week, your month,
or even your year, but...
**
so..yeappps. have a break, have a kit-kat and let off some steam with The Rembrandts!
i know that whatever i say or do may be too late.
but just now that i'll always be there for you debb, although i may not show it.
maybe ego and pride is holding me back.
but whatever i say now, i'm sincere about it.
i miss our friendship, the shared laughters, the shared tears.
i'll help you pull through this rain, in any way as possible, no matter how small it may be.
10:04 pm
after a while, life made more sense to me.
anyway, chatted briefly with Azri on MSN yesterday. it was quite interesting. haha. student leader. i should have guessed. and after i chatted with him, i came down with a sore throat. for a while, i was like, sheesh. i didn't know sore throat and fever is contagious over MSN. sorry ehk Az. kwang3.
to be honest, i think i'll be out with MC for a few days. diagnosis oleh doktor yang tak bertauliah (tapi tahu-nahu aje): sore throat? check. on-off fever? check. gonna get runny nose? check. verdict: flu or tonsil. immediate treatment include panadol pills and strepsils cough syrup and lozenges.
either ways, that means a lot of catching up to do, especially for some subjects like math (will try to get the grade that i'm supposed to get) and history (cos some stuffs are not in the textbook). and seeing how i love catching up, that'll be a wonderful, uphill task.
hehe. Ferind, Sathiya and I were discussing some mildly diabolical scheme during recess, with Olga and Hsun-I listening in. for some reasons, Ferind was promoting the idea to as many of our classmates as possible afterwards. i think they agree with her reasons, and somewhat i'm hoping that they agree with the idea as well. hehe. it'll be interesting to see if it works out.
anyway, in an effort to cheer myself up (setelah men-dealing dengan manusia-manusia yang buta tuli dan berhati titanium, menurut kata-kata Umai), i listed out some of the various, more recognised 'jobs' that i accumulated over the years and during my usual 'board meetings' with my 'boss', Tupai:
(from primary school.. tengok? jawatan masih kekal beb.)
- detective tak bertauliah
- ex-prefect yang give-and-take selalu (TAPI tetap abide school rules depan cikgu)
- tukang takutkan orang... maklumlah, nickname pun pontianak (tak baik sungguh diorang ni)
(since the past years)
- assistant Nurse Joy [medical] (fired after 2 weeks, re-hired, fired, re-hired; see below)
- assistant Nurse Joy [kitchen dept] (downgraded)
- superhero yang tak menjadi aka FikaPika
- counsellor free-of-charge (untuk members jer. yg lain2, imbalan: makanan yang sedap.)
(since Dec '07/this year so far)
- tukang cari raft kayu balak untuk Tupai
- Dang Cekodok - superhero yang lebih terror (dah upgrade lah tu kononnya)
- Sudip Panjang - si selenge yang suka curi sudip..ish3
- Penyakat TAPI baik hati
(just received)
- doctor tak bertauliah
hiahia. this so cheered me up. hehe. i think even The Glers somehow evolved in their 'superhero tak menjadi' strengths. The Glers = Umai, Fika, Rid = TupaiUmai, FikaPika, PeterParking/SpiderRid = Dang Tumpi, Dang Cekodok, Hang Prak = Ramlah Rumplestiltskin, Sudip Panjang, Aziz Colgate. kwang3. ILYT many many. huahua.
random1: Obama for US President.
random2: and when the principal was giving the Dedication Ceremony speech, suddenly i remembered WGPS's school song word for word, tune for tune. want me to sing it? want? ahem2.
Woodgrove is where we excel
Our teachers' mission
Our students' vision
Determined to be the best
Grooming ourselves for life's tests
Ready to serve society
Overcoming odds confidently
Value our families, be caring and faithful
Ever staunch, stable, steadfast and successful
see? i can still memorise it! i like the last line, from last time till now. hiahia.
10:04 pm
manusia-manusia macam tembok ni semua kan. memang patut dihentak kepala kat simen yang palingg keras sekali and diberitahu secara direct apa sebenarnya yang ada kat dalam kepala aku. hishh.
note the plural at the end of the word 'friendships'. you know what? i am so sick of trying to make it up to them. cos hey, who leaves the other party out even in broad daylight? and when they look like they don't care (or waiting for me to come round and apologise?), it hurts. sarcasm is a double-bladed sword; you scar them, you scar yourselves. but i am so sick of it. so so sick of it. if they understand that, then good. otherwise, please refer to the first paragraph.
am i sounding sensitive or peevish? i'm not. my patience has worn thin. in fact, it's worn out. how much longer can you just keep on forgiving and forgiving for over a year when the other party still is like that, still doesn't seem the need to re-adjust and change?
i'm not cruel or heartless. but at the same time i have to do this.
debb, sam, viv, shijia and the rest, please don't make me believe that this friendship is artificial. if you really want me out of it, tell me straight in the face. i don't want to be the one blowing up this issue in your faces. because you'll see me in a different light.
12:01 am
Monday, January 07, 2008
i think letting out what i had pent up inside for over a year really beats the stress out of the whole thing. funny how things turn out, and how relieved i am to have let it all out. reality bites; face it.
anyway, wheeeee!!! umai and i are really on the same rakit! cos when i asked her when she's free to go shopping, she was like, actually, i thought of the same thing too! stressful times like these, the best thing is to go shopping! haha. she came up with her Shopping List Part E, i came up with something simpler. main target: watsons and john little. weapons: our wallets. after storing and letting out all these stressful stuffs (we sound like volcanoes.. i have erupted, umai hasn't), the idea is very refreshing. beraki-rakit ke cwp lah nampaknya kitaorang ni ehk umai. hehe.
and farid promised to send those cookies via fedex. wahai farid, seandainya biskut tu lemau, kita fedex kat kau balik. lepas tu, bikin baru. lepas tu, UPS kat kitaorang. hehe.
(kesian farid, asyik kena sakat aje.)
plus, umai and i have added a few new titles to our 10.5 pages long resume:
1) Penyakat (esp. kepada farid..kesian dia)
2) Penyakat TETAPI baik hati sekali
12:22 am
Saturday, January 05, 2008
i don't know whether guilt is felt. hell, i don't even know if they know. but in case they do, here's a song for them. there is only so long someone can keep quiet and hold it back. me blowing up at them at this stage of the year, guess who's fault?
usually i dedicate songs with love and well wishes. huhhs. even that word 'love' is overrated and overused. so where do i stand in the life of y'all?
Apolgize by Timbaland feat. One RepublicI'm holding on your rope,
Got me ten feet off the ground
I'm hearin what you say
but I just can't make a sound
You tell me that you need me
Then you go and cut me down, but wait
You tell me that you're sorry
Didn't think I'd turn around, and say...
That it's too late to apologize, it's too late
I said it's too late to apologize, it's too late
I'd take another chance, take a fall
Take a shot for you
And I need you like a heart needs a beat
But it's nothin new - yeah yeah
I loved you with a fire red-
Now it's turning blue, and you say...
"Sorry" like the angel
heaven let me think was you
But I'm afraid...
It's too late to apologize, it's too late
I said it's too late to apologize, it's too late
It's too late to apologize, it's too late
I said it's too late to apologize, it's too late
I said it's too late to apologize, yeah
I said it's too late to apologize, yeah
I'm holdin on your rope,
got me ten feet off the ground...
________________________________________
i don't have to feel the guilt cos i am so sick of it all, sick of fucking trying to pretend that i'm okay with the hypocrisy and everything. don't make me hate you all.
__________________________________________
umai, i know you know we know why. cos hey, we're in the same perahu again.
11:41 pm
was sitting at the back of the class - and thinking through again. i don't even remember anything in the lessons just now, who i talked to, what i talked about. and it was pretty depressing as i was trying hard to figure things out slowly.
friends? i don't know. i'm tired and i don't want to wage a war. words don't make a friend - i don't need words. i can create my own. be there. prove it. i'm sick of all this bullshit. there's reasons why i do and say some stuffs. use your brains. think. i am not your personal counsellor who you look for only in times of emergency. i've kept quiet about this for quite some time. i've lost it. hell,i should have lost it a longg time ago. make you all sit in front of me and blast away. make you people understand how the fuck i'm feeling. but i don't think you people will even notice, anyway. hurt? guess what? this is what i call retaliation, no thanks to you people.
the other issue left me in a total state of confusion. i found the answer when i got back home, but that's when the complications start.
L: i thought i'm over you. but each time i see you, i wonder throughout the rest of the day how you are. each time when i'm feeling like this, all i want is to talk to you. i'll think about how is it if i talk to you - and as usual you'll make me feel much better. and leading my life without you, i just suddenly miss you.." Aku yang tak pernah bisa lupakan dirinya Yang kini hadir diantara kita Namun ku juga takkan bisa menepis bayangmu Yang slama ini temani hidupku"A: the years didn't change anything. i'd give anything up for you, just to see you happily leading your life. i'm glad that your life is going on well. i'll always know if you're around me without me seeing you first. i'll just know. and i promise, i'll try to rebuild our friendship, even if it means hiding it all away."Kalau saja waktu itu ku tak jumpa dirinya Mungkin semua tak kan seperti ini Dirimu dan dirinya kini ada di hatiku Membawa aku dalam kehancuran"
2:08 am
Thursday, January 03, 2008
second day of school. no comments.
ended up thinking through a lot of things the whole day in school. and yeah, despite the coolness of sitting at the back of the class near the window (my preferred seat anywhere, with one of the reasons being teachers always don't really care and i'm free to do whatever i want) and the chilly wind blowing in, i was... mentally not in class.
what did i do? chipped in to listen once in a while. otherwise finishing up my former-doodling-and-now-drawing. it looked like something that i would have drawn a few months back. but i got the inspiration from A's drawings and friendster shoutout. unique, in a way. i guess after running into A again, it sort of opened up a different side of me: i can actually draw.
at the same time i got an idea to do my next doodling. it's a bit depressing, but that's what i'm feeling, that's how my situation is/was. i don't usually doodle - even if i doodle, it's only some random leaves and swirls (my trademark, so if you see some papers with that on it, most probably it's mine) bordering song lyrics and stuffs. but somehow, this year..it's different. it takes a long time to write - thinking through whether you should write it out included. somehow, after running back into A, it just...sort of let me express myself differently. but whatever the case, these works are personal. so if i show it to you, then great. if i don't, then just shut up and sit there.
but for those who got the chance and will have the chance to see my doodlings, well... there's always a story behind it. there's always a part of my life hidden amongst the doodling. that's why these doodlings mean a lot to me. whether it's commemoration, whether it's hidden pain, whether it's uncertainty...it's just how i view my situation.
heard this song on the radio. guess it somehow made me think of L. i won't lie; there were instances in school when i wondered how he's faring. so when i heard this song amidst my confusion in the late afternoon, i guess it fits.
(excerpts from Aku Tak Biasa [
I'm Not Used To It] by
Alda)
{translations in bold}
Aku tak biasa, bila tiada kau di sisiku
Im not used to it, when you're not by my sideAku tak biasa, bila ku tak mendengar suaramu
I'm not used to it, when i don't hear your voiceAku tak biasa, aku tak biasa
I'm not used to it, I'm just not used to it___________________________________________for A...well.. i'm stuck. i do think of him, wonder how he is. hoping that he's doing great. and contemplating what i should do. i'm just confused.
Cinta Dalam Hati (
Love In The Heart) by Ungu
mungkin ini memang jalan takdirku
maybe it's fated that my road's like thismengagumi tanpa di cintai
admiring without being lovedtak mengapa bagiku asal kau pun bahagia
but that's okay to me as long as you're happydengan hidupmu, dengan hidupmu
with your life, with your lifetelah lama kupendam perasaan itu
i've kept this feeling for so longmenunggu hatimu menyambut diriku
waiting for your heart to accept metak mengapa bagiku cintaimu pun adalah
but that's okay cos to me loving you isbahagia untukku, bahagia untukku
happiness for me, happiness for mereff:
ku ingin kau tahu diriku di sini menanti dirimu
i want you to know that i'm here waiting for youmeski ku tunggu hingga ujung waktuku
even if i have to wait till my life's enddan berharap rasa ini kan abadi untuk selamanya
and hoping that this feeling will last foreverdan ijinkan aku memeluk dirimu kali ini saja
and allow me to hug you just this one timetuk ucapkan selamat tinggal untuk selamanya
to say goodbye foreverdan biarkan rasa ini bahagia untuk sekejap saja
and let in this happiness even for a whilerepeat reff
___________________________________________
11:03 pm
Wednesday, January 02, 2008
special shoutout to one of my bestest sahabat karib, siti humaira sumri! (yang lagi satu tu, encik farid. kwang3. dah jadi abang-abang seyy sekarang. hehe.) haha. ILY girl! you make each of my days rocking. and you make my mornings and nights rocking as well! hiahia. no one can make me giggle in the train and smile during assembly except you and your SMSes! haha. ILY many many lah girl (: and jangan engkau berani nak jadikan aku cekodok. mentang2 lah nickname aku Dang Cekodok. Hishh.
anyway, me and umai were talking about our first day of school. haha. common thing: it sucks. then about our sec 1s. haha. this was part of the convo we had :
[ šeĉRėŧ - ÖßsëssìOñs ] ohh fuck . it was all temporary . says:
anw , how was ur sec 1s ?Fika - says:
uhh... kecik sungguh..Fika - says:
mcm budak p4..[ šeĉRėŧ - ÖßsëssìOñs ] ohh fuck . it was all temporary . says:
LOL ! aku plakk tadi takut kan dan takut dengan sec 1s akuFika - says:
lerrr... kenapa pulak?[ šeĉRėŧ - ÖßsëssìOñs ] ohh fuck . it was all temporary . says:
aku mule2 bile sampai sch pagi2 tadi . aku tgk sume org berdiri . tkde org ddk . rupe2 nyer tuhh sec 1s . [ šeĉRėŧ - ÖßsëssìOñs ] ohh fuck . it was all temporary . says:
kau cube bayangkan ehhh . diorg berdiri at e perimeter of my parade sq and thenn sume diam tundok bawah . kan mcm nk attend funeral ? bab tuhh aku tkt ngn diorg. abehh stare2 kat org . hish ! irritating tau ![ šeĉRėŧ - ÖßsëssìOñs ] ohh fuck . it was all temporary . says:
thennn lpas2 sch gitu , aku ngn kwn2 aku gi kacau bdk2 sec 1 . hiahiahia .Fika - says:
HAHAHA! kesian2..Fika - says:
haha..Fika - says:
sepatutnya sbg kakak yg tua, kena show them the way..Fika - says:
bilang diorg, ok, skrg kita duduk..Fika - says:
hehehe..Fika - says:
kena funeral seyy...[ šeĉRėŧ - ÖßsëssìOñs ] ohh fuck . it was all temporary . says:
BETOL FIKA ![ šeĉRėŧ - ÖßsëssìOñs ] ohh fuck . it was all temporary . says:
dahlah pagi2 mase tuhhh[ šeĉRėŧ - ÖßsëssìOñs ] ohh fuck . it was all temporary . says:
seram aku tau[ šeĉRėŧ - ÖßsëssìOñs ] ohh fuck . it was all temporary . says:
tros aku cabot gi toiletFika - says:
hahahaha...Fika - says:
tk dpt ku bygkan..Fika - says:
hehehe...Fika - says:
nasib baiklah aku tkde hal mcm gitu..Fika - says:
aku masuk auditorium, diorg semua tgh blocking passage..Fika - says:
tolak2 sikit, ada orang jerit kat diorg sikit, lps tu dah.. aku smpai jgk ke kelas aku..LOLS. then after that we talked about bullying our Sec 1s and how that will never happen. after that, we talked about the two groups of mats: the Mat Rep and the Mat Rep Tak Menjadi. cos umai was talking about her juniors who fall into the second category and how irritating it is. kwang2. i suggested that we just pull out their teeth and replace it with exhaust pipes; umai suggested we should just shove it into their mouth. anyway, in case anyone out there is still unclear about the difference between those two:
MAT REP = HAS NO LIFE AT ALL . DAH KES HOPE + LESS .
MAT REP TK MENJADI = HAS A LIFE . BUT DOESN'T KNOW HOW TO GET IT . BOLEH TAHAN HOPE + LESS
tengoklah, kan aku dah rindu dengan suasana sekolah campur, bukan sekolah single-jantina. walaupun mungkin di sekolah campur bertabur mat met mot, at least ada fun jugak seyy. macam gini lah. peng dengan mat rep. kwang3.
1:03 am
watched Tara Rum Pum on rented VCD just now. it was nice! a very family flick (:
after that, finished off 1/4 of my essay while watching Kal Ho Naa Ho. other than Kabhi Khushi Kabhi Gham, this is one of those movies that can make me cry each time i watch it. and this movie came off with a few powerful messages: 1) love someone a lot, such as that even when you're gone, your love will still live on 2) there may not be a tomorrow.
jo hai sama, kal ho naa hothe time that is here, may not be tomorrowto my family, friends, you: i love you guys. and i mean it from the bottom of my heart.
1:03 am
Tuesday, January 01, 2008
HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!
goodbye 2007. thank you for all the joy and sorrow. you taught me a lot about life, about myself, about the people around me. thank you for making me realise something terribly important towards your end. something that has always been inside me. thank you.
and hello 2008! my focus: my studies, sahabat-sahabatku, and making it a worthwhile year. (oh hey.. my neighbours are SINGING). and oh yes, you'll also bear witness to Euro 2008 sans England, SG's first F1 race as well as our hopes in the World Cup. hopefully, you'll be wonderful, like the fireworks display near CWP (i could see it clearly from my house. splendid. first time there's fireworks in woodlands. my neighbours were rushing out to see it. kwang3.) and the fireworks in JB (Danga Bay, Setulang, Lido Beach). haha. come to think of it, i get free fireworks display at least five times per year. haha.
with the fireworks done and dusted, it's time to hit the club mix and party till 2am. haha. who says i can't create a makeshift party-place in my seat?
12:45 am
