Thursday, August 30, 2007
i know that half of the universe, my classmates included, are pretty high and happy today cos they're happy and high for some unknown reasons only they themselves know. but seriously, today i wasn't in any decent mood to be high and happy and crap around. even during the recording of the video messages for Cikgu Rina, i was forcing myself to be enthusiastic and crappy for my friends' sake.
sometimes i think that i'm trying to appear normal, laugh and crap around for the sake of the people around me. if you understand malay and read my poem (or in ziying's case, i sort of explained to her), then you should catch my drift. otherwise, just forget it.
it hurts a lot. imagine your heart being sliced cleanly into half by a knife in one smooth but slow movement. it just hurts so much that it seemingly kills you from inside.
i dole out advices, but sometimes i myself don't heed them. or i'm inspired by quotes and stuffs (re: previous post), but then it's just so difficult. tomorrow is supposed to be a happy day for everyone in school. maybe it's better like this; i let the sun shine in the day, in front of people, and let the moon confront me with the truth at night.
even now i'm crying again cos it just hurts so much from within.
for some reason, i felt like playing this song
(Jera by Agnes Monica) on loop the whole night. and i don't know. it just made me think about _ and all that's going on in my life.
(literal english translation for the song, so may not be grammatically correct)black isn't your characteristic
white isn't your chracteristic either
half-willingly i look at you
no longer shining
as if you're fading
love yes i've loved
you're the one that i want
but it's the wrong timing
i'm afraid to love again
i extend the warmest greetings to your love
although i'm stuck and heartbroken
let the world stare
i don't want to fall in love again
you're the one that i love
but turns out you're already with her
and i'm hurt by her love
now that you've entered my life
i'm already afraid of falling in love
a thousand times i told myself not to, a thousand times i tried to stop myself. but i end up on the losing side, i end up succumbing to my feelings.
11:59 pm
