Thursday, August 30, 2007

i know that half of the universe, my classmates included, are pretty high and happy today cos they're happy and high for some unknown reasons only they themselves know. but seriously, today i wasn't in any decent mood to be high and happy and crap around. even during the recording of the video messages for Cikgu Rina, i was forcing myself to be enthusiastic and crappy for my friends' sake.

sometimes i think that i'm trying to appear normal, laugh and crap around for the sake of the people around me. if you understand malay and read my poem (or in ziying's case, i sort of explained to her), then you should catch my drift. otherwise, just forget it.

it hurts a lot. imagine your heart being sliced cleanly into half by a knife in one smooth but slow movement. it just hurts so much that it seemingly kills you from inside.

i dole out advices, but sometimes i myself don't heed them. or i'm inspired by quotes and stuffs (re: previous post), but then it's just so difficult. tomorrow is supposed to be a happy day for everyone in school. maybe it's better like this; i let the sun shine in the day, in front of people, and let the moon confront me with the truth at night.

even now i'm crying again cos it just hurts so much from within.

for some reason, i felt like playing this song (Jera by Agnes Monica) on loop the whole night. and i don't know. it just made me think about _ and all that's going on in my life.

(literal english translation for the song, so may not be grammatically correct)

black isn't your characteristic
white isn't your chracteristic either
half-willingly i look at you
no longer shining
as if you're fading

love yes i've loved
you're the one that i want
but it's the wrong timing
i'm afraid to love again

i extend the warmest greetings to your love
although i'm stuck and heartbroken
let the world stare
i don't want to fall in love again

you're the one that i love
but turns out you're already with her
and i'm hurt by her love
now that you've entered my life
i'm already afraid of falling in love


a thousand times i told myself not to, a thousand times i tried to stop myself. but i end up on the losing side, i end up succumbing to my feelings.

11:59 pm

The measure of love is to love without measure.

foxfoo

loving a person is not possessing.its about seeing the person happy.if one day,his heart is not with you,then let him go,even though its really painful.

some Flowerpodder

You can't make someone love you. All you can do is love and be someone who can be loved. The rest is up to the person to realize your worth.

The Birdman aka Bird J.DA aka Lawrence in Danielle

says it all.

it still hurts. i'm still crying. but i just seem to love you more.

12:07 am

Wednesday, August 29, 2007

goodbye Ole Gunnar Solksjaer. thanks a lot for all the happiness, all the superb goals and your loyalty to Manchester United. 11 years with us, 336 games and 126 goals.

yes, although it breaks my heart - especially after learning of Puerto's death - it's another bitter fact that i'll have to swallow: Ole Gunnar Solksjaer is retiring. well, it's pretty predictable cos he's been having problems with his knee for so long. and he always seem to be out injured. but it's still sad to see such a player call it a day.

but hey, at least he'll be starting his coaching education with Man Utd. so he'll still be there, just not playing (:

but whatever the case, i'm gonna miss this guy.
OLE2GEND

11:14 pm

i dropped any ideas or intention to blog about what happened today after i found out that the footballing world has lost another promising star in less than 7 days.

Antonio Puerta 1984-2007

Antonio Puerta, 22-year-old Sevilla defender, passed away after he suffered a heart attack on the pitch in the club's opening game against Getafe. according to reports, he collapsed on the pitch, but paramedics managed to revive him and he was able to walk to the dressing room before he collapsed a second time. he was rushed to the hospital where he was hooked up to a life support machine until he died. Puerta was ranked as one of the brightest prospecrs of Spanish football, and had made his international debut last season. Puerta, the sole breadwinner of his family, was also expecting his first child with his girlfriend who is 7 months pregnant.

He was buried at a cemetery in Seville in southwestern Spain. Fans from both Sevilla and its cross-town rivals Real Betis left football scarves, candles and dozens of flower arrangements at the stadium while long lines formed to file past the player's coffin, which was draped in Sevilla's centenary flag. At the coffin's side were the recent trophies which Puerta helped the club win, including last season's UEFA Cup.

SG Yahoo! News: thousands of fans pay homage to Sevilla defender Puerta

i almost cried when i watched this:

11:14 pm

Tuesday, August 28, 2007

maybe this post won't be comprehensible for the majority, cos it's gonna be in malay. so there. if you understand, great. if you don't, either you ignore or you go and try to understand. sometimes it's better when people don't know what's in your heart.

Ku bertanya pada langit malam
Pada sang purnama
Pada bintang-bintang
Kalian menyaksikan, mengetahui segalanya
Setiap rembesan hujan
Setiap luka yang berdarah kembali
Aku lari bersembunyi dari si mentari
Turut menebarkan sayap kebahagiaan
Menutupi setiap titis air mata
Agar si mentari terus bersinar

Tetapi langit malam
Rembulanmu begitu terang
Menyilaukanku hingga terhapus semua
Bayangan yang cuba ku tayang
Bak cermin ia memaksaku
Berdepan dengan hakiki
Aku terpaksa menyerah

Ku berikan hatiku untuknya
Tapi tidak meminta hatinya kembali
Tidak pernah
Tidak akan
Biar ku lampirkan sejadah kasihku
Untuknya meniti kebahagiaannya

(copyrighted 2007 Nur Syafiqah Ahmad Jaaffar aka sang rembulandingin)
______________________________________________________
Hanya kamu yang bisa
Membuat aku mengakui ketulusan cinta
Hanya kamu yang bisa
Menenggelamkan kejemuan dan rasa hampa
~ Hanya Kamu Yang Bisa oleh Kerispatih
______________________________________________________
ku akui aku merindukanmu
meski ternyata tak pernah kau merindukanku
tapi ku tak pernah bisa
melakukan apa yg seharusnya ku inginkan
karena memang kau bukan milikku

kejujuran hati yg tak mungkin dapat ku pungkiri
keinginanku untuk kau tau isi hatiku
demi cinta yg tak pernah berakhir
~ Kejujuran Hati oleh Kerispatih
_______________________________________________________
Tahukah engkau wahai langit aku ingin bertemu membelai wajahnya
'Kan kupasang hiasan angkasa yang terindah hanya untuk dirinya
Lagu rindu ini kuciptakan hanya untuk bidadari hatiku tercinta
Walau hanya nada sederhana, ijinkan kuungkap segenap rasa dan kerinduan
~ Lagu Rindu oleh Kerispatih
_______________________________________________________
Sebentuk hatiku buat kekasihku
Mengiring rinduku yang selalu untuknya
Memang tak selalu ada yang terbaik
Dari diri ini dan juga dirinya
namun ku yakin cinta ini tak kan pernah salah
~ Sebentuk Hati Buat Kekasih oleh Kerispatih
_______________________________________________________
Ku seperti kapas
Yang putih lemah dan terkulai
Meratapi cinta yang hitam
Ku jatuh cinta, jatuh cinta yang salah

Bersama mu serasi
Hati dan cinta ku bernyawa
Namun mengapa barulah kini
Ku bertemu dengan mu
Ku masih sendiri dan kau telah berdua
~ Salah Jatuh Cinta oleh Agnes Monica (with slight modifs)
________________________________________________________
kalau ku diberi peluang untuk meluahkan segala yang terbuku di kotak hati ini, akan ku luahkannya. kerana aku tak sanggup memikirkan bahawa engkau akan meninggalkan hidupku tanpa mengetahuinya.

11:48 pm

today was quite ok, i guess. crapped around a bit with vivien, para and teran while waiting for LD to start. LD was boring boring as usual. then belah at around 5.30pm with them. mrt-ed home with vivien and priscilla. then at home, bio workbook-ed till now, which is something past 1am. simultaneously, msn-ed with a few people who needed me. you guys know who you are right, so i shan't say. then msn-ed with ziying and yeewen. hahaha. they are soo funny, never fail to entertain me. lol.

so ya lah, nothing much. oh no wait. then just now there was this war at KallangRoar forum cos some idiotic plastic singaporean "fan" was slamming our U-23 for losing to Malaysia 1-3 in the merdeka cup tournament. joined in the fun for a while, but bio was a-calling, so had to ditch the war. but then, it was quite tiring reading their attacks. so gave up eventually.

dah masuk nisfu sya'aban pada malam ini. bulan Ramadhan akan berkunjung tiba tidak lama lagi, insya Allah.

so yeah, nothing much lah.

maybe i'm laughing and crapping in front of people in the day, but there's no reason for them to see me cry at night.

1:01 am

Sunday, August 26, 2007

shall do a fast one today.

nothing much happened. so in short today was a boring day. except for the part when my cousins came over and i played with them for about 2 hours. but basically the whole day was dry; my mum cooked lontong today so i had that for lunch and dinner (btw breakfast was thosai masala), watched Wang Zi Bian Qing Wa aka The Prince Who Turned Into A Frog on malaysian channel 8TV, did some newspaper article reviews and catching the Man Utd-Spurs game live.
i saw where Man Utd lies on the Premiership table (19th aka 2nd last aka relegation slots) and was rather livid when comparing it to chelsea and liverpool. heck, even citeh is wayy ahead of us. so if we lose to spurs later, i can press the panic button for real.

see? boring right? the only excitement comes from the food i had today.


i thought i was fine. but turns out i'm not. turns out it still hurts. turns out i'm still crying.

11:55 pm

Saturday, August 25, 2007

after a few smses, i've come to realize something: i control my life, not vice versa.

anyway, i think i'm slowly phasing back to my normal self - soon, i hope. exhanged SMSes for quite some time, and i think those SMSes managed to talk me round into just taking all the fecked stuffs in my life with a pinch of salt. to sum it up, all of this is just a phase in life, and although it's difficult, it matures us and make us a stronger person than before.

what else? oh yeah. i realised that when i'm feeling lousy, i tend to like to cook. so that's why baked a chocolate cake (fine.. betty crocker's instant cake mix) and cooked fried spaghetti today. haha. fried spaghetti is something like mee palembang and the normal fried noodles. so in other words, the basic ingredients are the same and it's easy to cook.

just submitted my name to be part of KRFC (KallangRoar FC) staff. if i can play i would; i can't, so i thought it'll be nice if i can still be part of the backroom staff. haha.. can't wait~

and i just realised that Man Utd will be playing the last EPL match of the week. o.o
we MUST beat and thrash tottenham, for the sake of the club's pride.

and SG U-23 beat Indonesia U-23 2-0 in the Merdeka Cup tournament. that means they're through to the semis. our U-23s are looking to be in great condition for the SEA Games. keep the momentum going on till then, guys! don't peak too soon!

thanks for always being there when i needed the support the most.

i shall end with a song:
I Turn To You by Christina Aguilera

When I'm lost in the rain,
In your eyes I know I'll find the light
To light my way.
And when I'm scared,
And losing ground,
When my world is going crazy,
You can turn it all around.
And when I'm down you're there-
pushing me to the top.
You're always there,
giving me all you've got.

(chorus)
For a shield from the storm,
For a friend,
for a love
to keep me safe and warm
I turn to you.
For the strength to be strong,
For the will to carry on
For everything you do,
for everything that's true
I turn to you.

When I lose the will to win,
I just reach for you and
I can reach the sky again.
I can do anything
'Cause your love is so amazing,
'Cause your love inspires me.
And when I need a friend,
You're always on my side
Giving me faith
taking me through the night

(chorus)

For the arms to be my shelter
through all the rain,
For truth that will never change,
For someone to lean on,
For a heart I can rely on through anything,
For that one who I can run to...

(chorus)
(chorus)
I turn to you...

11:06 pm

i should like find a seal or something to stop myself from crying again. i cried during recess, and i was like half-crying in the train towards bishan. i don't know.. it's not just because of one thing or anything.. it's like everything comes crashing down on me at the same time and it makes me feel pretty lousy.

in the train i really wanted to sms some people but then it was frustratingly impossible cos my prepaid value was left with $0.02 and i only have enough money for lunch. so then the messages ended up being saved in my Drafts folder.

i know you care. and i think you sense i need you.
i'll approach you. i promise. thank you for making me stop crying by just being there.

anyway, lunched alone at the ya kun kaya toast outlet in Junction 8. lol.. i don't know. i like going to that place and lunch solely by myself. so yeah, in other words, it's a nice place to be at when you're in this state and stuff. anywho, had the new Toast Dipz (sliced up french toast dipped in either creamy cheddar cheese or hot chocolate - opted for the cheese obviously) and tea for $3.50. cheap right? but yeah.. i guess i somehow silently enjoyed myself dipping the toast sticks into the cheese.

you know, the funny thing is that when i'm down like now, i tend to eat when i'm alone in a public place - like coffeeshop or something.. ya kun can be considered something like that cos the atmosphere is really very coffeeshop cafe-like - rather than with a bunch of people, friends or acquantainces or enemies whatsoever. and eating chocolate, even a small bar, tends to make me feel more down.

maybe this can explain why i'm pretty introverted nowadays. maybe being on my own is a way to get over this whole deal.
or maybe i just appreciate a solo lunch.

12:47 am

Thursday, August 23, 2007

i know you guys are probably bored of seeing me breaking down everyday and stuff. or that i seem to be more introverted nowadays. note: i am not pushing you guys away. but maybe some stuffs may need me to think it through when i'm alone. unless i really can't take it anymore, i can deal with this on my own cos i have to.

i hope i'll be able to tell you why tomorrow. cos knowing that somehow you're worried upsets me.

so if the pretence of having a strong front is to be re-lived, then why not? cos it'll be much better for the people around me.

10:18 pm

Wednesday, August 22, 2007

i just don't know how much longer i can hold on to this. i've cried so many times today that my eyes are rather sore now. most of the time it's controlled in class; i just hold it back and stone there. except for that once where a bit of tears just escaped. and the weirdest part is that it came straight after i laughed.

i know you're worried. i'm sorry.

farid just told me something quite shocking just now. it was rather unexpected for either of us, or for humaira as well i guess, once she knows about this.

to farid: don't worry man. humaira and i will always be there for you, we'll always back you. memang lah kadang-kadang kita nye kerenah suggest otherwise, tapi seriously. kita akan selalu ada untuk kau. janji.

11:03 pm

Tuesday, August 21, 2007

i cried again today, although i tried not to. i did make an effort in the morning to appear cheerful as normal for my friends' sake, though. i thought i could get through the whole day today without crying. turns out i was wrong cos again, a number of things sparked off the whole tears tirade. i didn't do as expected for my a maths common test, that's one of the causes.

i didn't see you the whole day today, and i didn't see your car in the morning. i kept wondering if you're ok. but when i heard your voice, i felt comforted. you're alright.

you know what? i'm sitting here at my desk, typing all this out. i glance out of the window and i see the half moon dangling there in the night sky. i don't know.. i've always been mesmerised by the moon. it's one of those things that can set you thinking deeply.

i think i'm hurting because i love you, but i can't tell you.

That's Where You Find Love by Westlife

In your eyes, I found the greatest prize
You and I could not be closer
And in your arms, is everything I want
Now I know my search is over

And I don't know where you’ll take me
But it's exactly where I wanna be

[Chorus:]
It's where the stars line up
It's where the ocean's touch
It's in a place you've never been that feels like home
It's in the air right now
It's when you give your all, and give a little more
I've never been so sure, that's where you find love
____________________________________

And now I'm glad I didn't know
The way it all would end, the way it all would go
Our lives are better left to chance
I could have missed the pain
But I'd have had to miss the dance

~ The Dance by Westlife

11:46 pm

just some messages first:

farid: jangan risau lah. aku dengan umai akan bertungkus-lumus karangkan puisi tu. kata kawan apa. takde imbalan. kecuali nanti masa sept hols kau kena ikut aku dengan umai keluar gi tengok wayang and makan sedap-sedap kat banquet. set? dan lagi satu hal, puisi aku tu copyrighted tau. cuma first sentence aje aku kasi kau pakai. haha.

humaira: thanks for the support, girl <33 dan yuk kita sama-sama tabok farid. ada ke dia tak ingat nama cinderella dia?! takpe, takpe. kita sahabat yang baik, takkan tabok dia dulu. tuliskan puisi, baru boleh tabok dia. haha.

farid and humaira: terima kasih banyak-banyak sebab korang selalu selalu selalu buat aku ketawa terbahak-bahak sampai tak boleh berhenti. kadang-kadang mood aku takde, korang adakan balik. mana ada orang boleh buat macam gini? cuma korang aje tau. kayys. dah cukup puji dah. jangan terharu tau.



to quote humaira, avoidance isn't the way to forget someone. cos you end up getting hurt, and missing the person more.

12:23 am

Monday, August 20, 2007

my day started off bad, but when you entered, it suddenly feels all right.

gonna be a bit random in my post today, so sometimes it's not that coherent. but anyway, to cheer myself up, i shall blog about some funny stuffs that i came across while reading The New Paper.

ok, so liverpool drew 1-1 with chelsea, no thanks to rob styles who awarded chelsea a soft penalty after malouda blatantly dived. look, i'm no liverpool fan, but the Reds deserved a win. they were dominant. and oh yeah, lampard should have been kicked out of the pitch after his vicious foul on alonso. but did styles do anything about it? of course not. he's just proving my belief all along that he's one of the lousiest ref around.

but anyway, that's not the funny point that i'm trying to drive at. now, the other thing that i always look forward to after a liverpool-chelsea game, aside from the results, is the managers' spat. their comments can be quite sharp to the extent of being childishly hilarious. like this game's comments.

jose mourinho (chelsea manager) : We are a naive and pure team... We do not have people diving into swimming pools.

rafael benitez (liverpool manager) : If Chelsea is naive and pure, then I'm Little Red Riding Hood.

thanks jose and rafa for making me laugh like what (:


anw, vivien suggested that i bake a cake during our convo in the mrt just now. haha.. nice idea, though.

8:06 pm

Sunday, August 19, 2007

football-wise update: dammit. 1-0 loss to Man City. in tnppostman forum aspect, forum-er Elanooo is high on the win. ~oh yay. but in the liverpool-chelsea match which is at halftime now, torres scored a beauty.


i felt like crying half of the day. and i just can't focus on whatever i'm studying. no mood for makeup or do EOTDs or FOTDs either. i thought man utd and the whole footballing world could at least cheer me up. no go. i have 3 papers up tomorrow and nothing stuck to my mind.

liverpool, beat chelsea for me. anfield crowd, do your thing.

i just seemed to keep thinking of you although i tried not to. and everytime i felt like crying, i really wished you were there so i could just cry.

11:53 pm

Saturday, August 18, 2007

Against All Odds (Westlife feat. Mariah Carey)

[Shane:]
How can I just let you walk away,
Just let you leave without a trace,
When I'm standing taking every breath,
With you, ooohhh,
You're the only one who really knew me,
At all.

[Mariah:]
How can you just walk away from me,
When all I can do is watch you leave,
Cause we shared the laughter and the pain,
And even shared the tears,
You're the only one who really knew me at all.

So take a look at me now,
There's just an empty space,
There's nothing left here to remind me,
Just the memory of your face,
So take a look at me now,
There's just an empty space,
If you're coming back to me it's against all odds,
And that's what I've got to face.

[Mark:]
I wish I could just make you turn around,
Turn around and see me cry,
There's so much I need to say to you,
So many reasons why,
You're the only one who really knew me at all.

[Mariah:]
So take a look at me now,
There's just an empty space,
There's nothing left here to remind me,
Just the memory of your face,

So take a look at me now,
So there's just an empty space,
But to wait for you is all I can do,
When that's what I've got to face.

Take a good look at me now,
Cause I'll be standing here,([Mark:] Standing here)
And you coming back to me is against all odds,
And that's the chance I've got to take.

[Westlife:]
Got to take
Got to take

[Mariah:]
Ooh
Take a look at me now

[Westlife:]
Take a look at me now.



to my friends: thanks guys for everything. i really really appreciate your concern and stuffs. but to be honest, i may need some time alone. by not thinking about it, i'm just running away from the issue at hand. just... let me face it and try to deal with it on my own. i'm not pushing away your support and your presence. but this is something i will need to handle and face on my own. but seriously, from the bottom of my heart, i'll always treasure y'all being there for me. peace out. <333

you won't be reading this, but one part of the song truly explains how i feel.

8:23 pm

Friday, August 17, 2007

i know why i'm crying but i just don't understand why.

i almost didn't see you the whole day today, and after CTs ended, i hoped to see you around. i didn't see you all the way till i reached the canteen. but when i saw you walking towards the canteen from afar, it was a whole gush of confused emotions for me all over again. i don't know why, but all i wanted was to run to you and cry it all out. i ended up running away from you to cry in two toilets at two different ends instead.

i caught your gaze for a split milisecond. and although i forced myself to turn my gaze away from you, i could sense your gaze and i could sense your worry. i'm sorry i made you worry, i didn't mean to. if i could, i wouldn't want to make you worry at all cos it's just going to hurt me more.

ya allah, aku sayangkan dia. benar-benar sayangkannya. setulusnya.

i love you but what am i to do?

11:12 pm

to debbie, farid and humaira: thanks guys for making me laugh.

twice i glanced up, twice i saw you looking at me. but i thought it was one of those random, coincidental things. i never thought...

it's not your fault; you didn't do or say anything wrong. i didn't want to cry in front of you because i didn't want you to be worried. but by pretending to be steady, not gonna cry, am i making you more worried? i didn't mean to..

11:14 am

Wednesday, August 15, 2007

this post is bound to be deleted soon, so if you're reading it, then fine.. but you won't see it again.

i was reading through my previous blog entries, as in wayy back ones, and.. do my latest entries sound that.. different? vivien told me today that she's perfectly fine, but i'm different. so yeah.. maybe that's why i read through my past posts. she's got a point.

i try not to make it so obvious, but trying hard to hold back your tears the whole day sort of crushed the front. yes, i cried a few times today. twice in school. a few more afterwards at random places. the mosque. my room. the toilet. hell, even now..

i know i should be focusing on my common tests. they're already here, and after tomorrow's combo of english-hml-ss, the other subjects require me to study. and i haven't start studying, that's one thing. even if i'm studying, it's like there's no point because i won't be able to focus.

i've tried, alright, i've tried to forget about this whole thing, shove it all aside. but the more i push it aside, the more i choose to ignore and forget it, the more persistent it is. and i'm just so tired of having to pretend everything's fine, having to hold back my tears..

i can't tell you, obviously. but as the days pass, the truth becomes more clearer. yes, it's my fault i let myself feel this way. but it's not something that i can control, can it? but i have no regrets.

9:55 pm

i'm tired of having to hold on to my tears the whole day again today. sometimes i wish i can just let it out. but i don't quite like the idea of a lot of people asking what's wrong and stuffs, cos it's not like i can tell all of them why. fine, i let some of it out during recess, and nobody noticed so i think that's ok..i have trouble crying in front of people. it's more easier to control it and keep on suppressing it.

i don't know whether it's the after-effects of yesterday, but if it is, then i guess my emotional reaction is pretty slow. well, maybe it is, maybe it's not. come to think of it, i don't quite fathom how i got myself into this emotional mess. i don't know how or when or why it sparked off. heck, i don't even know what this is. it's unexplainable.

i kept thinking of your words. it's a common encouraging phrase but when you said it, when you kept on repeating it to me, it made me want to cry and comforted me at the same time. i don't know why.. other people can say the same thing but it won't leave so much of an impact on me. i don't know what would have happened if i did cry in front of you. i wanted to, but i just couldn't bring myself to make you worry - i won't be able to face that.





if only you knew..

9:55 pm

my mood has been pretty lousy for the past few days. ok, make that since 2 weeks ago. why? i'm not quite sure myself.. it's like everything pretty much collected and snowballed into one huge -well, snowball. yes, it can be dealt with, or ignored, or denied. but when all of these stuffs come crashing down onto you at one shot, it's quite weary.

talked to _ until around 4.30pm. come to think of it, i don't quite remember what we talked about. but i think the important points stuck. so yeah. sort of thinking through it.

i just don't get it; how can his words make me cry and yet give me strength at the same time? and why is it that i didn't feel anything back then, but now i'm missing him?

discovered that these two westlife songs were on my playlist (ziying reminded of the latter song during msn..lol..)

Have you ever been in love

That's where you find love

apparently it's from The Love Album but then it's been left to dust on my shelves for months, so no wonder..haha..

12:24 am

Monday, August 13, 2007

seperti yang dijanjikan. farid dan humaira, lagu ini ditujukan khas untuk kamu berdua:


terima kasih sebab membuat aku ketawa, walaupun hanya seketika. aku berdoa yang persahabatan kita akan kekal sampai bila-bila, dan ingat, apa-apa yang terjadi -hujan ke, ribut ke, taufan ke, gempa bumi ke dan lain-lain - aku akan sentiasa ada untuk korang.


-end of first post-

10:24 pm

mass msn convo with rid and humaira is hilarious to the max! haha.. topics ranged from donald duck to donald trump to facial masks to revlon make-up to a planned shopping trip with them.
(farid, you said it man. nanti lepas exam kita bertiga akan meronda-ronda causeway pt utk cari barang-barang yang diperlukan! your word, man! haha!)

just when i almost started to ponder about the notion that i don't quite know who my friends are, or that none of them really knows me for who i really am.. you guys made me forget about the whole matter momentarily and gave me a chance to relive our craziness. i missed that a lot, just like i missed you guys.

10:24 pm

i just felt like listening to these songs by westlife today on loop..


Unbreakable
Written In The Stars
How Does It Feel
When A Woman Loves A Man
Queen Of My Heart

say whatever you want, but i just felt like listening to them..

maybe i miss you..maybe i realise what i'm feeling..or maybe i just don't know..

10:24 pm

Sunday, August 12, 2007

this is gonna be one of those short updates. haha. is it? i doubt so.

anyway, just ended a mass msn convo with farid and humaira. as usual, kecohness express. haha. it was less forum perdana (primetime forum) and more crap. haha.. we were sharing lame jokes. as in, each of us share one.

farid's joke will only work in malay.

humaira's joke was rather funny, in an ego manner.
(Q: one day, a beauty was walking with a handsome guy. suddenly the beauty fell. what did the handsome guy say?
A: Humaira, poor thing. you fell?!)

my joke had farid laughing non-stop for 5 minutes plus although i think it's quite lame.
(Q: let's say there's a bangla running across the road. what do you call his action?
A: bangla-dash)

anyway, then farid show us a pic of his cinderella. secocok you diorang berdua. (they make such a nice pair) then humaira and i were talking about facial masks, and farid just chimed in as well. haha. they are so funny! haha.. i can't quite type out all we crapped about, but at the rate we were laughing and flooding the msn convo, i counted us lucky the whole system didn't crash. hahaha.

crapping with them, even on msn, makes me treasure and miss them more - these two are some of the closest friends i had in primary school. and although it's 3 years since we've been apart, we can still click like last time.

to farid and humaira: i nearly sunk into a lousy mood today. but you guys just lit it up again. thanks guys! next time, we will definitely raid seoul garden and go watch rush hour 3!

11:23 pm

finally posted in KallangRoar forum after 2 months plus. and i feel so extra cos i'm still ranked a noob although i frequently read the forum. but without posting. so yeah.. newater, can up my rank? i always read, just rarely post one.. and oh yeah, have more of those KallangRoar conferences.. haha.. they always make me laugh..

i was eating nasi lemak when i suddenly thought and missed you..

4:39 pm

Saturday, August 11, 2007

you know what's the most irritating thing a football fan can ever get?
after 3-months-long wait for her favourite league (yes, the league that has the lousiest FA, and where there are more foreigners than locals at 54%-46% -and this is not a 0.5 odds- and clubs owned by rich people in the world who has nothing better to do), the English Premiership disappoints her greatly on its opening match day.

sunderland-tottenham was great. sunderland beat spurs 1-0 in the 90th minute thanks to michael chopra. but the whole game was fun to watch; sunderland was impressive, spurs needing to buck up.

then the 5 matches being played at 1500 GMT. derby led portsmouth in the 5th minute, and fought hard to draw 2-2. the other matches were mediocre. nothing exemplary. not even obafemi martins scoring twice for newcastle.

then the last match of the night. aston villa-liverpool was a total bore. i fell asleep halfway. then i managed to do my chemistry without bothering about the scoreline. then i ate chocolates. then i counted the stars. it was only then gareth barry missed his penalty, and steven gerrard swooped in to score one for the Reds in the 87th minute. thank god for ending my misery. oh yay.

total verdict for the day? the opening matches for the 07/08 EPL campaign bores me to death. carry on torturing me any further and i may just end up being a staunch follower of some unknown league in the world.

btw, S-league selection beat selangor selection 3-1. yay!

11:26 pm

first things first. i travelled from woodlands all the way to tanjong katong complex at paya lebar just to have lunch at Di-Tanjong Katong Cafe & Restaurant. crazy idea? yes, but i am willing to go that far for nice food. so maybe next time i'll drag my family down to marine parade to try Waroeng Penyet (: then can try shopping at parkway parade.

then just now had mass msn convo with farid and humaira. hahaha. omg. kecoh sungguh.com. haha.. we were discussing a lot of random subjects, and even had Forum Perdana (primetime forum) about the social problems that's prevalent in SG's malay-muslim community nowadays. then we were joking about rid and his cinderella. and then we were giving online chocolate and sweets. hahahaha. omg. it was so havoc. i laughed non-stop. and then after rid went off, humaira and i carried on the convo. we were just recollecting lines from one of our all-time favourite old movie, Seniman Bujang Lapok, and assigning roles to us and our friends. haha. if it was turned into a documentary, it will win all the awards the Academy Awards can offer. even transformers and harry potter cannot beat us. haha.

i keep thinking i saw you wherever i went. i think i'm seriously outta my mind.

11:26 pm

the more i try not to think of it, the more i ended up thinking about it, and ultimately none of my work gets done. and this includes the crucial ones, like studying.

anyway, found an interesting email reply in my inbox early this afternoon before i headed off for seoul garden. so yeah..

what was mentioned in the email was quite true.. i'm not going to divulge exactly what, but one of the main ideas is that sometimes being too nice doesn't pay it off. sometimes you have to be mean and put yourself before others. so that includes ensuring you prioritise getting some time to yourself to think through about your life and your problems above other stuffs. and sometimes you have to take drastic steps like totally disconnecting yourself from half of the world around you. so that's why i am always offline on msn, except when i decide to talk to people that i want to talk to, then i'll come online.

come to think of it, it feels great, being able to control the whole thing.. but back to the topic at hand..

drawing the line is necessary. seriously. i know it sounds a bit uncivilised cos barrier = something like the Berlin Wall. (and hey, talking about the Berlin Wall, i think it's history is rather interesting.. but i'll save that for myself) but no. it's called maintaining your territory. so if i'm a gang leader or something, you cross into my boundary and i'll just beat the hell out of you. but i won't do that cos i'm not so ruthless. i'll just slowly steer you to the door and push you out ... onto the mrt tracks (yes, another suicide attempt case on the mrt tracks.. this time at tampines). okay, so back to logical speak. i guess i need to distance myself a little, to give me more space for myself. i mean, i'll still hang around with people, joke with them, share miseries with them, work with them et cetera cos hey, i am just distancing myself, not converting to a hermit crab. but if i'm like reluctant to open up about certain stuffs, or i don't seem to want to share as much of my troubling issues to others, then you should know why.

and talking about hermit crabs, i remembered watching some footage of those small hermits on Berita. some guy in indonesia sells these cute crabs with prettily painted shells. so it's like if you buy a few of these hermits with brightly coloured shells like blue, yellow, orange, and you put them in a tank and let them roam around.. they make such pretty pets cum decoration. your mood will be lifted instantly. but for those interested in owning those crabs but have no idea how to contact that indo guy, easier alternative: drop by to junction 8. there's one uncle selling something like that there.

so yes, as you can see from my post today, i am not emo. in fact i was being rather candid about the whole thing. so yes.. ultimately i am not emo.

a piece of realisation that totally made me hit the roof and up to the sky and heavens above and then plummet back down to earth and straight into stredford end in old trafford:
THE ENGLISH PREMIER LEAGUE STARTS TODAY!!! that means more happiness and bliss and the end of my football drought than i could ever imagine. yes, even the Champions Youth Cup doesn't exactly excite me.

my ultra-late dedication to the Kallang Stadium: you know, i was watching NDP'07 yesterday, and i sorely missed the sight of 45000 singaporeans cramming inside you, Grand Old Dame. and seeing the rows of singaporeans dressed in red almost brought me to tears because it reminded me so much of my experience at Kallang for the ASEAN Cup games, and how i am truly going to miss you, and the whole Kallang crowd and atmosphere (inclusive of the swear words chants, the flipping of the middle fingers and the beautiful medley of referee..kayu..) may you return more grand than now, but still maintaining the same heart, same spirit of our beloved Kallang. We are gonna miss you loads.

to the sender of the email: i know you won't be reading this, but from the deepest corner of my heart, thanks for always being there for me and giving me sane advice. i owe you one.

12:04 am

kepada humaira: hari ni best rabak! haha.. ok lah, kita hang out 2.5 jam aje, tapi yang paling penting hari ni best. haha! and seoul garden shiok gila! haha.. terpercik-percik dibuatnya ayam-ayam dan sup.. haha!! bab panggang sampai hangus 'braders' kita tu.. haha.. aku masih pecah perut dok teringatkan hal tu! haha.. habis hangus..tsktsktsk.. tinggal jadi arang untuk bbq yang lain.. haha..

12:04 am

Friday, August 10, 2007

confusion kicks in again today. sighs.. i don't know.. i just don't understand what i'm feeling. the more i try to understand, the more confused i'll get. it just doesn't make sense. and the more i try to not think about it, it seems to want to settle in my brain more. so yeah, nothing about rivers and their processes stuck in my head.

it's highly confusing that it's almost frightening. and i feel it but i don't show the feeling when it matters most. at certain times, i feel concerned, worried etc but i made no point to show even the hint of it to _ ; i just keep it to myself. and sometimes end up regretting not showing it.

i don't know.. i'm duly confused and i don't know what to do about it. i know i shouldn't be thinking too much about this since common tests are coming, but i can't even focus on anything.

but what am i to do when the one person who can truly understand me is the one i'm confused about?

[tahukah engkau wahai langit, ku ingin bertemu membelai wajahnya?]
[heaven don't you know, how i long to meet and stroke his face?]

12:01 am

Wednesday, August 08, 2007

maybe i should heed his advice and don't get involved anymore and draw the thin red line to mark my boundary.

profound? never mind. you don't have to understand. it's not meant for the general public to understand anyway.

11:00 pm

Tuesday, August 07, 2007

let me kickstart this post with a quick recount of the rehearsal for the minister visit just now. it was super fun cos we get to be pulled out of lessons during english lesson and ultimately miss assembly (which was the student forum thing.. wonder if it was as exciting as the previous one). and it was like from 11.45am all the way to 4.45pm. i thought it was gonna be another sianzation period for me - thankfully no. although the rehearsal in itself is very sian, feels so plastic, i guess it's the people there (i.e. debbie, michelle, samantha, celine, mr tan, the ta peeps who were bored by the whole thing and principal mrs lee) that made it such a fun time. haha.. and mr tan treated us to lunch (despite being just Polar puffs and drinks, when he's paying for 6 people inclusive of himself it's a lot) at Cheers, which was practically next door. haha! today was super super funny and i laughed so much until around 4pm like that i got headache. hahaha!


you know how is it that some stuffs are just super weird? this is gonna be like repeated and repeated, but it's frighteningly true: the one thing that makes you cry also makes you smile. and the weirdest part is when you know you have to approach it to make you feel alright.

haha! i don't know.. i don't understand any of this, man! what the heck is wrong with me?!?

zomg i just feel so high lah.. haha (:


i don't know why is it that i feel so complete and secure when i'm with you, like the other stuffs don't matter; as if my troubles and worries just seep away. just what is this madness??

11:41 pm

Monday, August 06, 2007

just a note to my friends:
i'm sorry if i've worried you guys. just.. don't worry. yes, i may be moody and stuffs, but rest assured i won't be doing anything stupid. trust me. just give me a few days - i don't know exactly how long - but i'll be ok. soon.

today was one of those days. i forced myself to hold on to my tears the whole day in school, but there were a few occasions where the tears just seep out. and the part that makes it tough is that it happens during lessons. but during bio i was wishing for the lesson to quickly end cos i couldn't take it anymore - i was just too tired of having to hold back the tears since last night all the way to the afternoon. and it felt weird, crying in class cos i've never done that before due to a few reasons; mainly cos i don't want people to see me cry cos they'll all be wanting to know why and stuffs.

another note to my friends:
again, i'm sorry if i can't divulge much about why i'm like this. but some stuffs may be hard to understand. hell, if i can't even make sense of it, i don't expect others to be able to understand it as well. sorry if i make you guys worried.

~wo hui xue zhe fang qi ni
shi yin wo wei tai ai ni~
~i will learn to give you up
it is because i love you too much~

9:59 pm

Sunday, August 05, 2007

Van Der Sar, you're the man!

FT: Manchester United 1 Chelsea 1
Penalty shootouts: Manchester United 3 Chelsea 0 (all saved by VDS the man)

ole ole ole ole!! haha.. Man Utd beat Chelsea in what seems to be the most useless preseason opener ever, the FA Community Shield. but who cares? We led through Ryan Giggs (YES! GIGGS FINALLY ACHIEVED HIS DREAM TO SCORE AT WEMBLEY!! "Ryan Giggs Ryan Giggs running down the wings..") and then that Malouda scored (he played well) the equalizer. and then it was missed chances and missed shots all the way to the 90 + 2 minutes. then the shootouts. i was screaming with glee at chelsea's misses. mwahahahah!!

thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you
to my beloved Manchester United!! you guys really cheered me up a hell lot!

here's to the win, and the hope that it won't turn out to be a curse in disguise for us. here's to another great campaign in the 2007/08 season for the lads of MUFC! [welcome aboard Nani, Anderson and Tevez. thanks a bunch for the great memories, Smudge - we fans still love ya. and hope you lads have a terrific career prospect ahead: kieran richardson and my fave, Guissepe Rossi (do come back, lad) ]

thank you so much for cheering me up like nobody can!

GLORY GLORY MANCHESTER UNITED

we'll never die we'll never die
we'll keep the Red Flag flying high
cos Man United will never die

10:10 pm

thanks to Top Gear and its string of hilarious, crazy hosts: Jeremy Clarkson, Richard Hammond, James May and The Stig (ok, more of the first three rather than The Stig) for making me LMAO this afternoon like nobody's business. the bad caravan trip and the amazing cars really took my mind off issues for a while.

10:10 pm

Saturday, August 04, 2007

i'm tired of pretending to be unaffected by anything. cos not only am i lying to the people around me, i'm lying to myself. and know what? i think that when you hide and pretend for too long, when the stronghold break, it just shatters. and that's why i've been trying to prevent that from happening the whole day - but it just didn't work out.

i don't cry easily, and not many people have seen me cry. in fact, much less than 5, cos 0 might not be true. but when i have to keep stopping myself from doing so the whole of today, i just don't feel like keeping it at bay. but each time i appear to allow myself to cry, it seems that i instantaneously force myself to hold it back. maybe that's cos for me, allowing myself to cry is comparable this: when your flood barrier starts showing cracks and a bit of water seeps out of it, quickly repair it before it gives way and flood the whole town. i don't know if doing that is a good thing. but it seems to work, albeit at my expense.

i can accept it all; to be honest i've already accepted it. but by accepting it, it just hurts me more. and i'm tired of having to put on a front, but i have to cos some stuffs you just can't tell everyone.

10:10 pm

sch today was ok. but screwed up a maths test, so not expecting much from it.

i just don't understand all this. with every passing day, it seems to be what i suspect it to be, what i'm afraid of. it hurts. and know what? nothing hurts more than knowing what it is, but you refuse to believe it cos everything is against it, and also since it makes you smile and cry.

sometimes i think i know what it is, but i keep denying it cos it hurts. or is it because i'm too afraid to face it?

3:07 pm

Thursday, August 02, 2007

today turned out to be great for me. i've started to be high since early in the morning, and now it's 15 minutes to midnight and i'm still high (: and no, it's not cos of jay chou's songs. a lot of stuffs went my way, so who wouldn't be pleased? alhamdulillah ya allah (:

~tunjukkan aku jalan lurusMu
untuk menggapai surgaMu~

2:47 pm

Wednesday, August 01, 2007

as of today, i shall officially declare myself a jay chou fan (: hahaha.. i can't seem to get enough of his music; i've spent the past 3 hours listening to his songs. hahaha.. and he is super talented! singer, composer, actor, director.. haha.. and he does a great job in all of them! yes, i am super obsessed about his music today as well as his new movie, Secret (Bu Neng Shuo De Mi Mi). i totally heart jay chou's songs (: and i am so itching to watch the movie cos there were a lot of very positive reviews about it, and everybody was saying that it's very sweet and have a very unexpected ending and how he did a great job directing and acting in it (:

i heart heart heart heart jay chou!!



should i go see him?

11:47 pm

the one

Nur Syafiqah Ahmad Jaaffar ex-WGPS 6E'04 Crescent Girl's School syaf_316@hotmail.com

be sorted @ nimbo.net

tell me the truth

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