Thursday, July 19, 2007
my Ctrl+C and Ctrl+V function or my left click-copy/paste function is not working, and i was planning to change my blogskin, so do u noe how increasingly frustrating it is? and i was all set for some butterflies on my blogskin. oh wells... gotta fix that problem some other time.
today was rather ok..not too sian, not too emo, not too happy. like, even the craziness with debbie, vaish, jing li, vivien, hsun i and michelle wasn't that crazy. it was pretty normal, actually. and i wasn't suaning debbie like on normal days. i don't know. maybe it's cos i'm just tired, huge thanks to the havoc of a workload that i get, or i'm just tired of it all.
as in, tired of trying to be cynical and suaning my friends, albeit jokingly, at any given chance. sometimes i wonder, out of all my friends, how many really know me for who i really am? or do they even know who the real me is? sometimes i get the feeling that i myself make it hard for most people to truly understand me. but i can't help it; it just happens automatically. i try to suit my personality based on the people around me. if they're crazy and crappy, i adjust myself to fit in that context. if they're quiet, i tend not to talk too much as well. but by making myself flexible to my surroundings, am i ignoring or denying my true character to myself?
to tell the truth, the process of getting back in touch with your emotions when you've learned to hide it from your own self for too long isn't easy. once in a while you will slip into that emptiness feeling, as if you're devoid of emotion. people watch titanic and they cry; you watch the same movie but you don't quite feel anything. that's weird. that was what i was trying to fix for the past few years. reconnecting to my emotions. you know how some decisions in life can't purely be made by thinking, but more towards following your heart? but when you've lost touch with how you're feeling, following your heart is a major problem.
you know how it is that you learn to adapt your character based on the people around you, but with some -as in, one or two, but mostly one- you feel there's no need to do such a thing? with that person, there's no need to hide anything; you can just be yourself, reveal your true character, admit your weaknesses. it's like your personality is balanced. almost every aspect is in place. you don't even have to shove away your weaknesses to some deep dark corner of your soul - it just reveals itself. and you don't feel uneasy in doing so cos for some unexplained reason, you just have to be yourself, you just have to let the person know how you really are. why that happens, i don't know. but it happens. they say a person's true character is revealed when there's no one else around looking. fairly true. but a person's true character is also revealed when the heart feels that's who it should be revealed to - and it's beyond control.
10:44 pm
